Disappointment is Worse!

How do you want to see things?

"What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?" - Oriah, Mountain Dreamer (From her second book The Dance).

I've posted before about how my depression sends me in to a downward spiral of habits that reinforce my depression.  Since that post I have unfortunately stopped jogging, my nail polish is chipped, I haven't been to a drum circle in too long, instead of studying now I decided to save money so I can move to Argentina and study there instead of starting my Spring semester &all in all I'm not living up to the lifestyle changes I would like to devote myself to. 

The thing about the downward spiral of depression is that it feels good.  When you are depressed it feels good to sleep, to avoid human contact, to listen to depressing music, to skip meals, &everything else that just keeps you depressed.  I guess that's the catch-22 about it all.  It feels good to feed your depression.  Good in all the wrong ways.

In the long run, is it worth it?  Is it worth it to feed your depression to find the small comfort there is in cradling your wounds?  Of course the answer is no.  It's never worth it, because in a few months when you start coming back to yourself and you look at the past few months of uselessness, you kinda hate yourself.  You hate that your not living up to who you know you really are.  Grades drop, weight is gained (or dropped), the reputation of your work ethic has tainted, and it all feels awful.

Being disappointed in yourself is so much worse than just making the decision to get out of your slump, and feel like shit all day but still be productive and work hard.  Yes, the day will be shitty.  Yes, you will want to just climb back into you cave.  Yes, you won't be enthusiastic and innovative but AT LEAST YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING.  Anything.

Try something different, something new.  Although it is the LAST thing you want to do... you should.  Maybe you should just LITERALLY slap yourself and feel the sharpness on your cheek to remind yourself that this moment is happening.  Time is passing you by, and no one can do anything about it but you.

Who gives a crap if you feel bad?  If no one else gives a crap about how you feel, no one else wants to be there for you while you soak in your depression, &no one else cares about the consequences you will face; why on gods green earth will you let yourself face the punishment of slacking to cater your aching sadness?  You have to have hope.  This reality is what you make of it. <3