Wreckage.

Sorrow by mrcool256

I've gotten so used to being an absolute wreck that it has become normal.  I smile through my pain, I joke and I laugh, I converse... people think nothing of it.  They think nothing of me in my shell.

Little does anyone know how I mourn.

I'm sick of mourning.  Even in my happiest of times there is a timeless touch of sorrow in my soul.  It aches within me and blows in the wind, tears just beneath the surface smile at the dark clouds when they reflect my heart.  The whisper of the leaves wave at me, they grieve with me knowing they are seasonal with a brief life to live before they shrivel - like they are solemnly sorry I can't rest with them; their lives so substantially briefer than ours.  I'm tired of aching, I'm tired of the anxiety, I'm tired.  I'm just so tired.  Will it ever go away?  Helping others helps me, but I feel trapped without respite of this anguish in my heart.  I am helpless, to myself as well as to others.  

I want my family back. I want my siblings and my parents, the comfort that they offer me. 

Left Behind.

I'm sick of being left behind. 

That is the one constant in my life.

The only thing I can rely on.

&I hate it.  

Broken - *RcGraphics

Holidays have been completely vacant in my life for too many years now.  No excitement, no anticipation, nothing special.  I wish the people I loved were actually a part of my life.  Those that are within driving distance only appear for an occasional drop in to catch up.  I wish someone was present in my life.  Someone responded to me reaching out.  Someone appreciated the shoulder I lend or the smile I offer.  I am as alone as it gets.  The worst kind of alone.  For no reason that I can comprehend, because I am a loyal person with high respect to others and very dependable.  I wish someone would at least explain to me why they won't stay.  No one stays.  

"Like an old building
Rusting and frayed
On the outskirts of town
When new roads have been laid
I am forgotten 

Left behind, memories fade

The wind starts up

Grey clouds block out day

People keep walking

As the building decays"

-Diana Romay

I like to reassure myself saying that this is how life is supposed to be, people are supposed to leave me.  That way I can get used to it, that way I can travel without mourning the people I leave behind.  Because they leave me first.  I haven't gotten used to it yet. 

&It still hurts. 

Stories.

Are you a good read? 

I'm fickle, if I had any consistent readers they'd be aware! ;)

I recently decided to move to Argentina.  Then I wrecked my car which turned out to be a blessing in disguise saving me a bunch of money, but not saving me ANY time.  I can't get around very efficiently on the bus and train despite having a bike.

I am buying a motorcycle.

Looking back over my life I honestly think my life would be a pretty rad story.  Not as rad as my parents, they have awesome stories to tell.  I'm going to write their biographies without a doubt!  Maybe by then if I think my life would be interesting to anyone I'll publish it.  For now I'll continue to live for today.  Here are a couple pictures of my new tattoo.  Two down, four to go!

What does love look like?

"Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit, talk about your joys." -Rita Schiano

Emotions get the best of me way too frequently.  I got in a wreck last Thursday due to something called "freezing rain" that I had never previously heard of, my car got totaled.  Absolutely nothing happened to me, not a bruise or a sore... I did get sent into this darkness though &I've only shaken it this morning.  

Its odd, I've been so enthusiastic and overjoyed about moving to Argentina (albeit nervous anxious terrified and sad), mostly enthusiastic and overjoyed though.  When I wrecked I was just so upset, so angry and disappointed.  Like everything that had been weighing me mustered up the strength to unite and smother me.  

I've been in a rental that my insurance is paying for.  Progressive has been absolutely amazing and I am so grateful to have had them as my insurance.  Today is my last day in the rental and I decided I'm not going to buy a new one.  I'm going to save a grip of money each month.  I bought a bus/train pass, and a bike.  

This has been a blessing in disguise.  This will help me lose weight, as well as save me enough money to start Yoga once or twice a week.  The rest of the money I am saving each month will be going towards saving up for Argentina.  

I get to be with my siblings, in fresh air, surrounded by lakes rivers and mountains, with my sweet little Jack. <3  I will be enveloped with love.  

"To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time." -Clara Ortega

I am overjoyed.