Oh Boy.

       This has been an awesome year with nothing but incredible things coming up.  I'm so proud of my family. We have all done nothing but incredible things, so much growth and advancement between us ranging through emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My brother in particular is doing very big things with his life right now and I am just blown away, I'm so proud of him.

Twenty-thirteen has just been so intense. Even the end of Twenty-twelve was just outstanding.  For me it all started the day the world ended, with Coronado.  Watching dolphins jumping out in the ocean right off shore and dogs playing and running in the sands, it was heaven. I can say I know what heaven is, sincerely. Since then the year has been filled with just off the charts memories, new experiences, pushing limits, breaking comfort zones, and I am just so excited about what is to come. All of our plans, all of the changes and immediate effects we will be making. I'm going to miss my apartment. I love it here, I love my privacy, my view, my decorations, my memories laying around comfortably, photos, and Jack's having his own territory for once.
 

“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” - Albert Camus

Disappointment is Worse!

How do you want to see things?

"What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?" - Oriah, Mountain Dreamer (From her second book The Dance).

I've posted before about how my depression sends me in to a downward spiral of habits that reinforce my depression.  Since that post I have unfortunately stopped jogging, my nail polish is chipped, I haven't been to a drum circle in too long, instead of studying now I decided to save money so I can move to Argentina and study there instead of starting my Spring semester &all in all I'm not living up to the lifestyle changes I would like to devote myself to. 

The thing about the downward spiral of depression is that it feels good.  When you are depressed it feels good to sleep, to avoid human contact, to listen to depressing music, to skip meals, &everything else that just keeps you depressed.  I guess that's the catch-22 about it all.  It feels good to feed your depression.  Good in all the wrong ways.

In the long run, is it worth it?  Is it worth it to feed your depression to find the small comfort there is in cradling your wounds?  Of course the answer is no.  It's never worth it, because in a few months when you start coming back to yourself and you look at the past few months of uselessness, you kinda hate yourself.  You hate that your not living up to who you know you really are.  Grades drop, weight is gained (or dropped), the reputation of your work ethic has tainted, and it all feels awful.

Being disappointed in yourself is so much worse than just making the decision to get out of your slump, and feel like shit all day but still be productive and work hard.  Yes, the day will be shitty.  Yes, you will want to just climb back into you cave.  Yes, you won't be enthusiastic and innovative but AT LEAST YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING.  Anything.

Try something different, something new.  Although it is the LAST thing you want to do... you should.  Maybe you should just LITERALLY slap yourself and feel the sharpness on your cheek to remind yourself that this moment is happening.  Time is passing you by, and no one can do anything about it but you.

Who gives a crap if you feel bad?  If no one else gives a crap about how you feel, no one else wants to be there for you while you soak in your depression, &no one else cares about the consequences you will face; why on gods green earth will you let yourself face the punishment of slacking to cater your aching sadness?  You have to have hope.  This reality is what you make of it. <3

Sir Nicholas Winton

Today I learned for the first time that there was a phenomenal human being by the name of Nicholas Winton. 
This man was the humanitarian who organized the rescue of 669 children, found them homes and arranged for them to travel safely to Britain on the eve of WWII.  He was only 29 at the time.  I think this is a beautiful example of facing fears for the sake of humanity.  He had to have been afraid of being caught, of failing, of the severe punishments that he and his family would have had to face... it didn't hold him back.
In this video the host surprised him with the children he rescued sitting in the crowd with him, he had no idea they were there until the host asked anyone who owed their life to him to stand.  His eyes teared up, and so did mine. <3 He will live on forever, because although he can't live forever he created something that will.  What a wonderful example to follow. Thank you, Sir Nicolas.

Why didn't I learn about this in school?  

What a wonderful man, today I am grateful to have discovered him.  He is still alive, at 103 years old and the day after my birthday he will be 104.  May 19, 1909.


Mrs. Miroslava Nemcova - head of the Czech Parliament submitted official submission for Nicholas Winton to receive a Nobel Prize. We would like to get this accomplished as soon as possible so Nicholas Winton can be alive to see this recognition of his courage.  Please join us and sign the internet petition for Nicky to get the Nobel Prize, and ask your friends to do the same.

http://www.change.org/petitions/czech-republic-nominate-sir-nicholas-winton-for-the-nobel-peace-prize

Taught me something.

I've always been a fearful person, with fear just hiding at the corners of my being.  Ever sine I met him, my traveler, I've been pushing myself.  He used to always say if "it doesn't challenge you it doesn't change you".  Of course he is right, and ever since he brought color, passion, adventure, and "you're only as old as you act" into my life, it has been about facing my fears.  I've been pushing my boundaries more because the influence he had on me set fire to the adventurous desire already in my heart.  Today I am buying my motorcycle and driving it six miles home.  I've never driven outside of a parking lot yet, so I am afraid.  I'm excited about it too though, and I'm starting to learn how much fun fear can be once you overcome it. 

Like when he took me jet skiing and I bit my lip so he wouldn't see how afraid I was, then it turned out being a wonderful adrenaline rush with wind and water and sunlight, all accompanied by laughter.  This year my goal is to start living fully.  In April I'm going to a meditation course in Colorado, in May I'm volunteering with my friend at an animal sanctuary, I will also be skydiving in May.  Come June I will go cliff jumping, and promptly after that I will be picking up mine and Jack's life and moving to Argentina.  Hopefully at some point within the next two years I will also find  a means of going bungee jumping, and hot air ballooning. 

    I hear that I am crazy fairly frequently, &maybe I am.  Life begins at the end of your comfort zone though and I'm glad to have started my life while still being young.  Don't take life so seriously, no one gets out alive.  I'd rather have a rad death than choke on a peanut after a dull and boring life.