It constantly depresses me that we have to die. No one can escape it. It scares me that time is passing me by and babies become children, children become adults, and adults become elderly -
if they're lucky. I don't even get to witness most of the people I love grow and age because I'm too busy rushing to make a better future for myself and my future family. I am busting my ass
day after
week after
month after
year. Most days I wake up and it all feels like its for nothing. Maybe it is for nothing. Maybe I don't even make it, or maybe the world goes to shit, or maybe I stop being such a pussy and I actually go out there and start living my dreams traveling the world. But maybe the world doesn't go to shit, and maybe I wake up one day worse off than I've ever been because I failed at accomplishing my heart's desire. Maybe being miserable and running in the rat race will help me secure a stable home. Or maybe I'll get this pathetic document stating I was foolish enough to stay on the rigid line of institutionalized education for long enough to be more "valuable" to our dumbed down vegetable headed society. Maybe I'll just die and I won't have to think about it anymore. Maybe along the way I'll learn why reason as to WHY I exist. Most people have their children, or their lover, or their passion, or the people they help on a dialy basis and THAT is THEIR why. Why they wake up in the mornings, why they just do things instead of procrastinating, why they are happy about the life that they live. Maybe some day I'll be happy, or passionate in my heart not just my mind, maybe someday I'll have someone to share it all with. When it all gets boiled down it doesn't matter. Even though we all die, I can't quit. Because whoever I leave alive will have to deal with my loss. It depresses me how much I miss those I've lost. It depresses me how much I'm going to miss the ones I'll lose. It depresses me that I'll cause sadness when I go. It depresses me to see the sadness in people when someone they loved passes. I really wish we could just stay together. Sometimes I wish I could believe in God - because then there would be a heaven, without depression, where we wouldn't have to die. It depresses me that I don't believe that.
All together it makes it really hard to get up in the morning. I keep telling myself that my "why" is to have a better future. What if I get to that "better" future.... and I still feel miserable every day. That is more than depressing, its terrifying. I am terrified. Day after Week after Month after Year.
