I'm living my life as if curled in fetal position. Immensely defensive, and so sad. Life is just passing me by as I float. Like my presence is hardly noted. The decisions I make I make because of the sheer fact that I am still inhaling and exhaling. I know what I want in my life, and I'm working towards it, numbly. I wake up to my alarms, I get presentable for work, and I smile I laugh I joke and I do my best to participate. I'm not really invisible, I'm not really lost. All these faces, swarming past me... watch me fall apart. Why can't I just be healthy?
I just want someone to hold me. Tell me I'll be alright. Witness me. I swear I'm here... I really am... why can't anyone see me?
If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free
Sometimes I just need to start fresh. Like a factory reset to my lifestyle. Over the weekend I woke up early and emptied all of my drawers and re-organized them. I cleaned my room, then rearranged it. I got a wooden framed chicken-wire board and removed every last staple and nail (the lady who made it did a VERY bad job, it was really just a safety hazard). Then I painted it, and nailed it together. Now I just have to hang it and stick all my jewelry/accessories on it.
I got Jack's hip x-rayed and as it turns out the pain hes been having isn't from a screw in his hip coming loose. He hasn't even been needing a light exercise summer. Turns out he had a whole different surgery called a femoral head ostectomy, so basically they replaced the ball of his hip joint. The pain is coming from scar tissue and the best thing I can do is continue giving him good exercise and just serving him pain medication as needed.
I've purchased my plane ticket to visit my family in Venezuela, I am BEYOND stoked to give my parents a tight embrace and spend some quality time together at last. I did my research, checked NADA guides, KBB, CarFax, FuelEconmy.gov, read reviews, got pre-approved for my loan, had a quote ready and waiting with my insurance company, and after test driving a made a great decision and got a wonderful deal on a Subaru Legacy thats in tip-top condition. I'm very satisfied. Now its time to get my school set up and ready for when I return from Venezuela. I also have to arrange dog-sitting for Jack while I am abroad.
I feel I am juggling a million things. I haven't even been to Capoeira in a month. Busy busy busy, my plate is full and my heart has been weighed because of all I have on my mind and on my to-do list.
Today I started Jack's 2-a-day walks so I awoke a full hour prior to my regular schedule after falling asleep late getting loose ends tied. I had time to curl my hair and decided to wear a dress and some bright red lipstick to start the week right. A self-revolution.
Too much going on inside of me and I need to slow down. Listening to Sara Bareilles on repeat has been so soothing. On the walk this morning it came on and in the darkness looking over the beautiful city at my feet from the heights of the mountainside I was singing full heartedly to "Let The Rain". She couldn't have said it any better. I'm glad I am in therapy, otherwise I would still feel lost. At least now I feel that I am on the right path going somewhere. I don't know where, or who I'll be when I come out on the other side... but I am doing my best and being my best.
I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city Then I'd make it behave
And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah
If my hands could hold them you'd see I'd take all these secrets in me And I'd move and mold them to be Something I'd set free
I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough I want the water in my eyes I want to cry until the end of time
I want to let the rain come down <3 Make a brand new ground <3
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight
I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice
And I always felt it before That the world was filled with much more Than the drowning soul I've learned to be I just need the rain to remind me
Kid Cudi came to visit Salt Lake City last night for a twilight concert, and it was ridiculously packed. It rained, HARD. It was actually pretty amazing, standing in the crowd as he sang "Just to show the kids they ain't the only ones who up at night. The moon will illuminate my room and soon I'm consumed by my doom" and the rain just poured over me. I was drenched, swaying with the crowd. All of us, together, felt it when he sang.
"I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right"
Isn't it kind of crazy thinking about how other people live their lives and they are fully and entirely different from yourself, but can connect so profoundly from the lyrics of one man. &That ONE man who has his own experiences and thoughts is standing on a stage not too far from us, has no idea how he has influenced each of us on individual levels. I will never meet Kid Cudi, he will never know about the songs on repeat that touched and comforted my soul on various days.
"If I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest
If I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets"
How can a crowd so packed have so much in common with each other? We don't know each other. I think its a bit of a mind fuck. Like the pictures of big crowded cities where you can see people walking right past each other and they don't know they are being photographed. What were each of them thinking in that moment, how did they feel, and how did they relate to each other? They were walking the same damn street, and the same damn time on the same day... but life goes on and they fade into the crowd. Seven BILLION of us on this planet, and we don't even try to get to know our own neighbors better. In the mornings I often see the same cars on the road, probably people who work the same 8 to 5 schedule I do. I can't help but wonder what their lives are like.
It may be bold or even silly of me to say it, but I am terrified of being just a face in the crowd. I don't want my death to be meaningless. That doesn't mean I want fame or popularity, but I have no idea what I want. I have no idea what will make me happy in the long run. I have no idea how to make sure that when I arrive on the threshold of my death, I don't want to feel vacant or alone.
I, myself, Diana... am on the pursuit of happiness, and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it, yeah. I'll be good.
Its a rarity to see my smile so big, and so sincere.
What a beautiful weekend spent with my traveler. I've missed him.. Sitting in the airport is almost like a dream. Like the weekend came and passed so quickly it was nothing but a fantasy. I am so immensely grateful. The people who consist of his home are wonderful, I enjoyed meeting them all and even more I enjoyed watching his interactions with them. I'm crazy about him. I wish we could be together. My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to <3
Its been like a snow day finding this poem. A hammer hitting the nail absolutely perfectly on the head. Piercing. I can't help but feel like "a mixed drink of one part left alone and two parts tragedy." Yes, this is on repeat. Over and over again. How did he extract my emotions and arrange them into words? Thank you, Shane. Thank you.
As of two and a half hours ago, I am officially legal in every department. It has been a beautiful few hours so far. Niko surprised me right at midnight, brought me a present (new shoes and a beautiful big metal dragonfly that is a project for us to redesign to my style), and of course some food. My cousins Jesus and Antonio both called me right past midnight which was very sweet and considerate. &A facebook friend I've never met (the only one on my friends list I don't know personally) sent me a gift card to Jamba Juice with the following message: " You put up some amazing stuff you know. Straight up and honest. So glad to know peeps like you really exist."
&It is only looking up.
No copyright infringement intended, I found it on Google and couldn't find a link to give credit to.
If the weather permits (it may be too rainy) I have an appointment to Skydive at noon!! [[UPDATE: No skydiving, there was too much rain. Instead we went to Denys, walked Jack, then watched Star Trek]]. I couldn't be more excited, or more grateful. My best friend of the past 10 years is taking the jump with me. I am so grateful for him, having put up with me for so long and through so many hardships. We've had so many ups and downs, but we always seem to know that we need each other and swallow our pride.
I'm in the midst of some more life changes, which I guess is pretty normal for me seeing as my life changes every few months. I suppose I'm hooked on it, change. It keeps things fresh. It also makes me appreciate the moment knowing it is on the verge of ending. In all reality every moment is constantly ending. When I'm turning my back and starting a new chapter though, it makes me linger on the last paragraph mildly more sentimentally.
I leave to Venezuela on November 13th, then once I get into La Universidad del Rio Negro I'll be headed to Argentina for my studies, and I'll finally get to be with my extraordinary siblings again. It's all happening so quickly! We'll be reunited so soon. I'm just sograteful.
Tonight, I'm packing up my apartment (at this exact moment I'm procrastinating on it) and organizing my papers and my hoarded memories to prepare for my move (downsize from apartment to bedroom) next week. That in turn helps me prepare for my move internationally in just over 5 months. I am also in the process of making a very heartfelt birthday present for a phenomenal man named Niko. His birthday is the day after mine, so in about 21 hours hahahaha... I am the ultimate procrastinator.
Niko's sunglasses on my submissive nonchalant champ of a dog.
I'm taking a page out of a dictionary, soaking it in green tea and baking it to make it look vintage, then taking a lighter to it to add more vintage appeal. Once its vintage enough for my liking, I am going to modge podge it onto a canvas. I have a vinyl motorcycle as well as his initials that I have to finish peeling out the details from. Once I"m done with that I am going to stick it to the vintage dictionary page very careful not to rip off any of the paper. I will then modge podge over the top of it and paint the sides of the canvas black. I also bought him a bracelet. A couple months ago he was showing me pictures of his family and stopped to stare at a bracelet he was wearing in a picture that he had completely forgotten about. He seemed really excited about it because of the memories. He bought it in Mexico when he was there a few years back. The one I bought him looks just like it, granted there isn't any significance to it because its not from his home country but I hope he likes the style anyways.
I have a Skype date with my mommy at 6:00pm &I am very happy about it, she has been such a miraculous guardian angel and a stunning example for me to follow her footsteps. When my mother was made, nothing but compassion, consideration, determination, strength, and about a gallon of hilarity was added.
A blood-red heartbeat monitor through
the middle of Jack's exactly replicated paw. :)
I am just at a loss of words for the amount of gratitude I have in me right now. I miss a lot of people. Some because life has taken us through a split in the river, which is okay because Facebook keeps us updated, which is nice. Others because they weren't good for me so I had to let them go, along with my anger and disappointment. I just wish them well, and I can't help but wonder what things would have been like had they not had so much betrayal and hurt in their own lives to have driven them hurt and betray others, including me, so drastically.
Thank goodness I have Jack. My little brown eyed, wet nosed, hairy, four legged son. My constant, my angel, my pride and joy. I got his paw print tattooed on me last week and I love it. I love my life. I love the few individuals that currently populate it. &&For today, I love me. <3 Happy 21st Diana.
This has been an awesome year with nothing but incredible things coming up. I'm so proud of my family. We have all done nothing but incredible things, so much growth and advancement between us ranging through emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My brother in particular is doing very big things with his life right now and I am just blown away, I'm so proud of him.
Twenty-thirteen has just been so intense. Even the end of Twenty-twelve was just outstanding. For me it all started the day the world ended, with Coronado. Watching dolphins jumping out in the ocean right off shore and dogs playing and running in the sands, it was heaven. I can say I know what heaven is, sincerely. Since then the year has been filled with just off the charts memories, new experiences, pushing limits, breaking comfort zones, and I am just so excited about what is to come. All of our plans, all of the changes and immediate effects we will be making. I'm going to miss my apartment. I love it here, I love my privacy, my view, my decorations, my memories laying around comfortably, photos, and Jack's having his own territory for once.
“The
only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free
that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” - Albert Camus
"What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?" - Oriah, Mountain Dreamer (From her second book The Dance).
I've posted before about how my depression sends me in to a downward spiral of habits that reinforce my depression. Since that post I have unfortunately stopped jogging, my nail polish is chipped, I haven't been to a drum circle in too long, instead of studying now I decided to save money so I can move to Argentina and study there instead of starting my Spring semester &all in all I'm not living up to the lifestyle changes I would like to devote myself to.
The thing about the downward spiral of depression is that it feels good. When you are depressed it feels good to sleep, to avoid human contact, to listen to depressing music, to skip meals, &everything else that just keeps you depressed. I guess that's the catch-22 about it all. It feels good to feed your depression. Good in all the wrong ways.
In the long run, is it worth it? Is it worth it to feed your depression to find the small comfort there is in cradling your wounds? Of course the answer is no. It's never worth it, because in a few months when you start coming back to yourself and you look at the past few months of uselessness, you kinda hate yourself. You hate that your not living up to who you know you really are. Grades drop, weight is gained (or dropped), the reputation of your work ethic has tainted, and it all feels awful.
Being disappointed in yourself is so much worse than just making the decision to get out of your slump, and feel like shit all day but still be productive and work hard. Yes, the day will be shitty. Yes, you will want to just climb back into you cave. Yes, you won't be enthusiastic and innovative but AT LEAST YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING. Anything.
Try something different, something new. Although it is the LAST thing you want to do... you should. Maybe you should just LITERALLY slap yourself and feel the sharpness on your cheek to remind yourself that this moment is happening. Time is passing you by, and no one can do anything about it but you.
Who gives a crap if you feel bad? If no one else gives a crap about how you feel, no one else wants to be there for you while you soak in your depression, &no one else cares about the consequences you will face; why on gods green earth will you let yourself face the punishment of slacking to cater your aching sadness? You have to have hope. This reality is what you make of it. <3
Today I learned for the first time that there was a phenomenal human being by the name of Nicholas Winton. This
man was the humanitarian who organized the rescue of 669 children,
found them homes and arranged for them to travel safely to Britain on
the eve of WWII. He was only 29 at the time. I think this is a beautiful example of facing fears for the sake of humanity. He had to have been afraid of being caught, of failing, of the severe punishments that he and his family would have had to face... it didn't hold him back. In this video the host surprised him with the children he
rescued sitting in the crowd with him, he had no idea they were there until the host asked anyone who owed their life to him to stand. His eyes teared up, and so did mine. <3 He will live on forever, because although he can't live forever he created something that will. What a wonderful example to follow. Thank you, Sir Nicolas.
Why didn't I learn about this in school?
What a wonderful man, today I am grateful to have discovered him. He is still alive, at 103 years old and the day after my birthday he will be 104. May 19, 1909.
Mrs. Miroslava
Nemcova - head of the Czech Parliament submitted official
submission for Nicholas Winton to receive a Nobel Prize. We would like to get this accomplished as soon as possible so Nicholas Winton can be alive to see this recognition of his courage. Please join us and sign the internet
petition for Nicky to get the Nobel Prize, and ask your friends to do the same.
I've always been a fearful person, with fear just hiding at the corners of my being. Ever sine I met him, my traveler, I've been pushing myself. He used to always say if "it doesn't challenge you it doesn't change you". Of course he is right, and ever since he brought color, passion, adventure, and "you're only as old as you act" into my life, it has been about facing my fears. I've been pushing my boundaries more because the influence he had on me set fire to the adventurous desire already in my heart. Today I am buying my motorcycle and driving it six miles home. I've never driven outside of a parking lot yet, so I am afraid. I'm excited about it too though, and I'm starting to learn how much fun fear can be once you overcome it.
Like when he took me jet skiing and I bit my lip so he wouldn't see how afraid I was, then it turned out being a wonderful adrenaline rush with wind and water and sunlight, all accompanied by laughter. This year my goal is to start living fully. In April I'm going to a meditation course in Colorado, in May I'm volunteering with my friend at an animal sanctuary, I will also be skydiving in May. Come June I will go cliff jumping, and promptly after that I will be picking up mine and Jack's life and moving to Argentina. Hopefully at some point within the next two years I will also find a means of going bungee jumping, and hot air ballooning.
I hear that I am crazy fairly frequently, &maybe I am. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone though and I'm glad to have started my life while still being young. Don't take life so seriously, no one gets out alive. I'd rather have a rad death than choke on a peanut after a dull and boring life.
I've gotten so used to being an absolute wreck that it has become normal. I smile through my pain, I joke and I laugh, I converse... people think nothing of it. They think nothing of me in my shell.
Little does anyone know how I mourn.
I'm sick of mourning. Even in my happiest of times there is a timeless touch of sorrow in my soul. It aches within me and blows in the wind, tears just beneath the surface smile at the dark clouds when they reflect my heart. The whisper of the leaves wave at me, they grieve with me knowing they are seasonal with a brief life to live before they shrivel - like they are solemnly sorry I can't rest with them; their lives so substantially briefer than ours. I'm tired of aching, I'm tired of the anxiety, I'm tired. I'm just so tired. Will it ever go away? Helping others helps me, but I feel trapped without respite of this anguish in my heart. I am helpless, to myself as well as to others.
I want my family back. I want my siblings and my parents, the comfort that they offer me.
Holidays have been completely vacant in my life for too many years now. No excitement, no anticipation, nothing special. I wish the people I loved were actually a part of my life. Those that are within driving distance only appear for an occasional drop in to catch up. I wish someone was present in my life. Someone responded to me reaching out. Someone appreciated the shoulder I lend or the smile I offer. I am as alone as it gets. The worst kind of alone. For no reason that I can comprehend, because I am a loyal person with high respect to others and very dependable. I wish someone would at least explain to me why they won't stay. No one stays.
"Like an old building Rusting and frayed On the outskirts of town When new roads have been laid I am forgotten
Left behind, memories fade
The wind starts up
Grey clouds block out day
People keep walking
As the building decays"
-Diana Romay
I like to reassure myself saying that this is how life is supposed to be, people are supposed to leave me. That way I can get used to it, that way I can travel without mourning the people I leave behind. Because they leave me first. I haven't gotten used to it yet.
I'm fickle, if I had any consistent readers they'd be aware! ;)
I recently decided to move to Argentina. Then I wrecked my car which turned out to be a blessing in disguise saving me a bunch of money, but not saving me ANY time. I can't get around very efficiently on the bus and train despite having a bike.
I am buying a motorcycle.
Looking back over my life I honestly think my life would be a pretty rad story. Not as rad as my parents, they have awesome stories to tell. I'm going to write their biographies without a doubt! Maybe by then if I think my life would be interesting to anyone I'll publish it. For now I'll continue to live for today. Here are a couple pictures of my new tattoo. Two down, four to go!
"Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit, talk about your joys." -Rita Schiano
Emotions get the best of me way too frequently. I got in a wreck last Thursday due to something called "freezing rain" that I had never previously heard of, my car got totaled. Absolutely nothing happened to me, not a bruise or a sore... I did get sent into this darkness though &I've only shaken it this morning.
Its odd, I've been so enthusiastic and overjoyed about moving to Argentina (albeit nervous anxious terrified and sad), mostly enthusiastic and overjoyed though. When I wrecked I was just so upset, so angry and disappointed. Like everything that had been weighing me mustered up the strength to unite and smother me. I've been in a rental that my insurance is paying for. Progressive has been absolutely amazing and I am so grateful to have had them as my insurance. Today is my last day in the rental and I decided I'm not going to buy a new one. I'm going to save a grip of money each month. I bought a bus/train pass, and a bike. This has been a blessing in disguise. This will help me lose weight, as well as save me enough money to start Yoga once or twice a week. The rest of the money I am saving each month will be going towards saving up for Argentina.
I get to be with my siblings, in fresh air, surrounded by lakes rivers and mountains, with my sweet little Jack. <3 I will be enveloped with love.
"To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters.
We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We
share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family
griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time." -Clara Ortega
"You may be 38 years old, as I happen to be, and one day some great opportunity stands before you and calls you to stand up for some great principle, some great issue, some great cause; and you refuse to do it because you are afraid, you refuse to do it because you will live longer. You're afraid that you will lose your job, or you are afraid that you will be criticized or that you will lose your popularity, or you're afraid that somebody will stab you, or shoot at you or bomb your house, so you refuse to take the stand. Well, you may go on and live until you are 90, but you're just as dead at 38 as you would be at 90. The cessation of breathing in your life is but the belated announcement of an earlier death of the spirit." -Martin Luther King Jr.
So I decided to look within myself. I returned to my roots and I looked up Dragonfly. My obsession with dragonflies sprouted for a reason and it came time to remind myself. Among the meanings of dragonflies on this website, these were listed:
Maturity and a Depth of character
Power and Poise
Defeat of Self Created Illusions
Focus on living ‘IN’ the moment
The opening of one’s eyes
I then searched youtube for "dragonfly" and these were the first two songs I heard.
I've decided I'm leaving. I'm getting my Venezuelan ID and I'm hoping to move by June. Life is going to change, and I'm bringing Jack with me. <3
There aren't words to describe the love I have for my magical family.
Us five are so uniquely close words could never live up to it. The Avett
Brother's describe it perfectly. I heard this song in person, live, at
The Gallivan Center. I had never heard of the Avett Brothers prior to that day, and they
impacted me immensely with this song. I just happened to be downtown that day so I went to the gallivan center because I love it there. At first I was all bummed out because there was a HUGE crowd. I hung out any ways and I noticed how many hippies were there, it made me kind of happy.... then this song came on and I
just started crying. I am a huge fan of theirs now, and I think
its no coincidence that I stumbled across them in person at one of my
top favorite places on this planet. <3
If I get murdered in the city
Don’t go revengin' in my name
One person dead from such is plenty
No need to go get locked away
When I leave your arms
The things that I think of
No need to get over alarmed
I’m comin' home
I wonder which brother is better
Which one our parents love the most
I sure did get in lots of trouble
They seemed to let the other go
A tear fell from my father’s eyes
I wondered what my dad would say
He said I love you
And I’m proud of you both, in so many different ways
If I get murdered in the city
Go read the letter in my desk
Don’t worry with all my belongings
But pay attention to the list
Make sure my sister knows I loved her
Make sure my mother knows the same
Always remember, there is nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name
Always remember, there is nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name
Your laugh accompanied by that incredible smile. &Don't get me started with those beautiful blue eyes.
I miss the hours spent on your couch, I miss hikes, lounging by the pool, walks with Jack. I miss your genuine and warm company, your randomness, the deep laughter you'd create in me. I miss how you'd push me to my boundaries and tell me, "if it doesn't challenge you it doesn't change you"... then I'd do my best to man up and not let you see the struggle to keep myself contained. Whether it be controlling my breath so I don't pass out climbing a mountain side, or not screaming as that rush in my belly indicates the Jeep is about to tip, or I'm about to fly off the back of a jet ski.. My god, I miss you're smile, and you embrace.
Just as I am missing you, I am missing a little bit of everyone. Of every time period of my life. I miss being a child and jumping the fence to pet baby goats. Of playing in the fields during recess. I miss exploring everything, with everything being new and exciting. I miss getting "drunk" from carbonated apple cider and struggling to stay awake until midnight for presents. I miss being in sixth grade and feeling like the king of the world, the oldest kids in the school, the bosses of the playground. I miss junior high and the need of independence, exclusivity, uniqueness and individuality that all of us struggled with and tolerated in one another. I miss the freedom of being able to skip school and laugh, enjoy good company, make good memories. I miss Friday nights with family. I miss the boiling hot days, and hot nights all the same with Vallenatos, Cerveza, Merengue and Dominoes. I miss granja's and arepa's, birthdays and stories of ancestors. I miss hanging out with the gang in Kyndra's back yard, I miss partying at my first house with those who had previously abandoned me, then continued to do so again. I miss hikes, river wading, moon watching, and swimming. I miss the long nights at the bar, strolls the the golf course at midnight, rides through the canyon. I miss dinner, and movies, holding hands, hugs, being heard and listened to. I miss hookah and smoking pipe tobacco on the back porch. I miss it all, I miss everyone.
I wish for once, .j.u.s.t. once, someone would stay in my life. For god's sake, just stay.
I miss the making of memories. Shared memories between you and I. All of us. Friends and family, and all of the people that I used to know. I miss you.
I'm living my life as if curled in fetal position. Immensely defensive, and so sad. Life is just passing me by as I float. Like my presence is hardly noted. The decisions I make I make because of the sheer fact that I am still inhaling and exhaling. I know what I want in my life, and I'm working towards it, numbly. I wake up to my alarms, I get presentable for work, and I smile I laugh I joke and I do my best to participate. I'm not really invisible, I'm not really lost. All these faces, swarming past me... watch me fall apart. Why can't I just be healthy?
