.new.car.

.new found freedom.

im still lost.

i know which direction and continue working towards my goals... but my strength has escaped me.  i cant meditate. i cant think.  ive been alone and without a home or a place for clothes, without money without food.  20 pounds lighter than my steady average.

i hurt.

im moving out with tony here soon.  ill have my own room.  i plan to start school finally.  ill be job hunting for the sake of my sanity and my anger towards my pathetic excuse of a job.

have i lost my sanity? ive stopped myself from going to McKay Dee hospital to be put in a white room with nothing but myself to rock back and forth and soak.  i know i dont have money for that.  i know others need that space more than me.  i know i can pull through.

i miss my family. i miss my friends. i miss my life.

</3

.the.beauty.of.nature.and.love.



Salt Lake City Bird Conservatory

Mmmm... so in love with my man.  We went to the bird conservatory last night. <3 It was absolutely beatuiful.  We walked around, pointed out birds to each other.  Talked.  Watched as the sky morph into a scrambled mess of upset.  The sun set magically while Tony was lying on a bench and I couldn't help but capture the moment.  We were holding hands throughout the night, then it started raining and we both ran to the car together.. I was laughing so hard!  It was a memory worth capturing. 

I love nature, and life.  The way the marshlands ahve such a variety even in just their plant life, some patches were in thickets and other patches were shorter.  The birds so perfectly blend into their habitat.  The nature screamed out its silence to me with calls from the nature by dragonflies zooming by, birds calling out, wind whispering through the marshes, and constant moving water beneath our feet.  The mountains stood tall and protective over these lands, intimidating and nourishing.  The sky was everchanging and slowly churned from blue, to grey, to dark grey, to water falling tentively on our bodies.  I love nature, and life. 



Once my paycheck comes I'm making a contribution, I recommend anyone who believes in this world does it as well.  <3  Here is the link.



.Happy.Fourth.of.July.Weekend!.

Fireworks by chalee-80

Happy Fourth of July Weekend!

Very few know the true beauty of living in this country.  I am so grateful to be an American!  I am sincerely looking forward to help spreading the benefits we recieve, such as a library in every city or a school every few miles, to other countries as well.  <3

.low.low.low...

Hell-oh, my goodness.  

I didn't know I was here. 

Do you know my name? 

Can't go wrong when you try.

 Always got to try... no matter how long that shit takes.

Whatever stops you from dreaming, whatever tries to stop you from living...

flip it.

Welcome home.  

'Cause right now what I have to do is I gotta amp myself up as well as you.  

So what if it took me like two years and shit,

but I'm feeling prepared, &&I'm feeling a little more ready for the world.

&&Less lost, as I once was.  

I'm still on track.  I'm closer, I'm getting my license here soon &a car by august I hope bringing me closer to moving in with Tony and starting college again.  I've just been so down, though.  I can't seem to shake the same depression that has haunted me my whole life.  It comes in spurts and its holding on tight right now.  I can't breathe I can't think I can't bring myself to do anything.  My responsibilities are all I can manage to do, Jack is fed, combed &&his teeth are brushed.  My fish Zylvestur is fed with a clean tank.  I wake up for work every morning and accomplish my duties.

I can't breathe though.  

I hurt, I'm sad, I'm low on my luck.  Immobile.  

I'm fucking depressed.  Today I finally had the courage to let Tony know he needs to help me, that I'm depressed and I can't shake it.  I don't quite comprehend as to why men don't fucking get it when you say it in different words.  I have told him I need him, I have told him I miss him and I have shown him my emotions in the raw.  

Why in the hell was he surprised when I blatantly told him, "Tony, I'm depressed." 

What hurt is his only response was, "Why?"

Are you kidding!?  When we got together, from the very start I told you I have chronic depression and it comes in spurts.  Listen to me.  Come visit me.  Hold me, hug me, talk to me, ask me questions so I can vent without trying to fix them or cheer me up!  Support me.  I told him once more today that it comes in spurts.  He tried to fix it, "We just need to get you moved in."  Yes that is my goal yes it will help, but no that will not eliminate my emotions.

TrixyPixie - Depression

"A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness.  I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it." -Jonathan Davis.

moranox - Depression

.latina.to.the.core.

i feel it when i dance

right in my core

straight to my heart

dancing is like a drug for me

setting me free

wings exploding out of my back

hips gliding sensually

collision between rhythm and movement

.in.the.end.

I dont do good with death. 
Ive never really had to deal with it before.
My close friend passed away while I was on vacation in Venezuela.
He was such an amazing person. 

I posted on facebook once that I was sad, and he arrived within an hour. 

We didnt hang out too often, but we stayed in contact.  Most people never even saw him frown.  At his funeral all anyone spoke of was how upbeat he was, how optomistic and funny he was, how caring and attentive he was.  Its all true.  He was sincerely a great man, with a great heart... he truly cared about others.  The only thing was that I knew a side of him others didnt.  I knew of his sadness, he read his poems to me filled with hurt anger and pain. 

I should have done more.  I should have tried harder. 

I lost my friend. 

Most of the reason I havent posted is because my family in Venezuela doesn't have internet. 
I havent posted since my arrival because I just dont have the slightest clue how to explain my sorrow.  I had two black eyes for two days after his funeral from shedding tears for one of the few good guys left on the face of the planet. 

How do you write about loss? 

I know what Ive learned, how I feel, what I think.  Im still mourning though, I cant make the words beautiful. 

I lost my friend.

.albert.einstein.

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

Albert Einstein is an individual who inspires me greatly.  His biography is fascinating, and I am so greatful for the opportunity to live in a country with a library in every city.  Most people don't realize the valuable resource a library can be.  I remember spending hours upon hours at libraries growing up.  As I got older research was right at my fingertips and the gateways to a new worlds of imagination filled shelves and shelves and shelves. 

Emily Dickinson has a poem that truly touches my heart in this regard.

"There is no frigite like a book, to take us lands away.  Nor any coursers like a page, of prancing poetry.  This traverse may the poorest take, without oppress of toll.  How frugal is the chariot, that bears a human soul!"

Albert Einstein's biography is one that I highly recommend to any individual.  As a child he never spoke a word, his parents thought that he was retarded or something.  Then one day when he was about six he spoke his first words, "the soup is too hot."  I was pretty shocked by that thought.  To think that such a small boy could have the wisdom to know the true value of words.  At six he could already distinguish appropriate times to share his thoughts with others.  He even had a stubborn mind, protecting his thoughts and guarding them against others.  I wonder what his thought process was, why he was so guarded?  He obviously encountered something in his short six years to make him shield himself from intruders and pain.  I can only imagine the heartbreak he recieved when his research, studies and discoveries that he was working so hard towards for so many years lead to such an awful outcome, the atomic bomb.  I wonder if he wished he had kept that information guarded as well.  The more I learn about the man the more I can imagine his pain.  I believe that he was just trying to advance in math and sciences, working on learning about time and atoms.  His intention would never have been to cause such destruction.  Here I have listed some quotes by Albert that reveal more upon his morals and ethics, and my thoughts upon them. 

"Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools."

Ignorance may be bliss, it leads to hatred though and hatred only hurts. 

You must love to truly hate.  I agree with his words. 

One must understand the learning experience, intentions, and triggers. 

Lack of understanding creates anger.

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex, it takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction."

Beautifully phrased Albert, thank you.

"Anyone who doesn't take the truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large ones either."

Life is far too interesting to overexaggerate, tell things how they are. 

Being honest to ones self and to others assures awareness. 

Others learn from your experiences and truth creates reliability. 

"Everyone should be respected as an individual, but no one idolized."

We are who we are, respect those for living up to their potential. 

Live up to your own potential. 

Take inspiration and let it grow within you. 

"Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted."

Pennies and nickles add up to dollars and riches, kisses and hugs hold a value more tender. 

I can count riches on fingers and toes, love unconditional is wealth rich doesn't know.

"Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts."

Society itself has a strong grasp over us although most are unaware of it. 

The media is an extraordinary influence over us, our peers guiding our opinions subtly. 

Wake up, our surroundings may be popular but your morals and instincts should be your true leader.

"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment.  Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions."

Psychological experiments have proven that the liklihood of someone standing up for what they believe decreases with the amount of people in the premises. 

Raise your voice for what you believe. 

Being an outkast is a beautiful thing if you are following your ethics.

"He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed."

Everyday I ask myself, what did I learn today? 

Everyday I learn something new, or takes me back to a previous learning moment to help instill it a little deeper into the dwellings of my soul. 

Never lose your interest, always pay attention and be aware of others and your environment. 

There are metaphors everywhere. 

Words are valuable. 

People hold wisdom. 

Books hold knowledge. 

Knowledge leads to understanding. 

The more understanding you have the more wisdom you hold and the liklihood of happiness and positivity increases. 

Passion is a beautiful thing, be passionate. 

Wonder out loud. 

Be alive!!

.be.the.change.you.want.to.see.in.the.world.

So excited about the new changes in my life.  I love blogging about it, knowing I can look back and the progress I have made and be humbled by the things that have motivated me.  The management at my work has actually realized that I am a blogger, and assigned me to be the blogger for my floor.  That was definately a nice reward for doing what Im not supposed to do at work.  Maybe they think I blog at home? 

I havent quite established a realistic perspective upon my departure.  It still feels like a dream but since Tuesday I had so much anxiety about the whole thing I had no idea what to do with myself.  All of a sudden it was the 26th and I leave on the 2nd!!  All of a sudden I have 3 days left of work and I have to move out of my house by Friday!  All of a sudden I have to find someone to watch Jack.  All of a sudden I have to get my hands on some car parts for my parents, I have to buy this and pick up that and "don't forget to bring" this and that and call this person arrange that and on top of it all I have to get a dress and outfit for my aunts birthday along with finishing up tidbits and tying loose ends. 

I havent seen my family in a year and Im so nervous to see them.  I know Im distant, and out of the loop.  Its frightening.  Getting everything together as quickly as I can and efficiently too, I will be out of the country for 3 weeks I can't just pretend life will be on pause as much as I would like it to be. 

I feel as though all of a sudden it isn't just me in this world working towards a goal.  I had a strange occurance on saturday that kind of knocked me on my ass and gave me a reality check.  I am advancing, and it isn't just me working towards a goal anymore.  I have opened my eyes and found myself in the midst of a war between positive and negative. 

Saturday I was on the train, met a man.  Often times I meet men and often times they tell me how gorgeous I am.  Its discomforting but I have been having it happen for as long as I can remember.  Ive become neutral to the words.  It is not a compliment, for my beauty is not skin deep and if thats all that is seen he or she is oblivious to me. 

This man sitting behind me started up a conversation.  I assume he had been overhearing my conversation with my brother over the phone for the majority of the train ride.  I was speaking with Aaron, my brother, about my plans.  Telling him about the importance of school to me.  Not the importance of the paperwork stating that I finished school, but the knowledge I can attain from it, the wisdom it I can recieve.  I was telling Aaron of my travels, humanitarian projects I want to take part in, and the reputation I want to make for myself during my college career.  The man on the train started a conversation up after I hung up with my brother.  We started up about his business that he runs.  Apparently he helps lawers and doctors and such find jobs once they graduate.  Has many connections.

.this.is.the.intense.part. 

In the past I have given out my number or e-mail to strangers.  As wreckless as it is I never had bad feelings about it or any consequences to face aside from not wanting to answer the phone.  He has several connections with powerful people.  He asked me how he can help me.  He offered a helping hand to get me scholarships for schools or funding for projects.  I walked away.  I am still unsure if I walked away from an amazing opportunity, or from a terrible sidetrack. There was something different here, though.  Every cell in my body was telling me that I needed to get away.  I was intrigued and I hoped maybe he would be able to help.  The train reached my destination and I stood to leave, he asked for my number.  I told him no.  He asked to give me his, I told him no. 

"It was a pleasure meeting you, I enjoyed your conversation, have a wonderful day sir,"  I shook his hand and turned to leave.  He wanted to stop me, he called out to me.  He said "you didn't even.." and I was down the stairs swerving between faces colors sidewalk cracks and voices everywhere.  I ducked behind a snack stand and vanished inside of the hub.  My heart was racing and I was astonished at the violent emotions within me, the contradiction screaming in my ears and the wonder at just what had happened resounding and echoing in my bones. 

Something happened that day.  Some sort of switch took place.  I don't recall feeling his hand when I shook it and I am bewildered at that thought.  It is no longer just me working towards a goal, I am quite sure now (as impossibly insane as it sounds) that I was a pawn in the war between positive and negative.  The man was kind, he had a sweet smile and kept throwing the ball back up the stairs of the train to a small boy - a small boy that I never saw.  There was something wrong though, and as I left him I couldn't help but wonder if I was walking away from a wonderful opportunity or a dangerous sidetrack.  There was something off about the whole situation.  Something different and something strongly driving me away from the man.  I wan't to say his name was Rodger, but to be completly honest I can't remember.  His face is one thing I will remember though.  The experience was something I will never forget.  A switch has taken place and I now realize it isn't just me working towards a goal now.  I have actually entered into the war and now I am fighting it. 

I have officially become a part of the bigger picture, and the universe is playing into it now. 

So excited about the new changes in my life.  I love blogging about it, knowing I can look back and the progress I have made and be humbled by the things that have motivated me. 







I am not the only one involved in my movements, and telling by whatever helped trigger my instincts to get away immediately without pissing off my opposition I know I have help. 





I can't help but wonder if the war is starting to strengthen.

lets get some world .P.E.A.C.E. yah?

.here.comes.the.sun.

I am at Tony's eatin mashed potatoes and a chicken patty for breakfast, its a beautiful warm sunny day outside, I have two big dogs curled boyishly at my sides, &I'm listening to Here Comes The Sun by The Beetles. 

Seasonscape by alexiuss at http://www.deviantart.com/#/d15deeg

"Little darling, The smiles returning to the faces.  Little Darling, It seems like years since its been here."  Those words pretty clearly describe how I feel about the upcoming 4 weeks.  Not month, because I don't just mean May.  Last week of work and this weekend have been very sweet and bright.  I love the strength recieved by seeing the hard work that I have been putting in actually reach a goal.  I get to start packing tomorrow, I still need to find out whos going to watch Jack.  I feel as though my life is flowering now, and soon it will bear fresh fruit.  My aunts' birthdays were this month, the runion for the family is this coming Saturday to celebrate. I am getting the sundress I have been dreaming about ever since I laid eyes on it so that I can wear with the photoshoot with them.  It will be so nice to catch up and see how they are doing.  I offered my aunt Michi to send things with me to Venezuela.  She jumped at the idea.  Sadly she lost one of her jobs and they are going through a very difficult time, she told me I really lifted her spirits because she has been trying to get things to Venezuela for over 6 months.  I hope she takes that lifted spirit, puts her mind to positivity and solutions, and gets out of that rut. 

My mothers birthday is Sunday.  I should to be there for her birthday but the earliest ticket we could get will land me there late that night.  Although, the perfect contradictive emotion to missing my mothers birthday is, this way I get to spend time with my aunts uncles and cousins for the first time in ages before I go, knowing it will be months before I see them again. 
Now of course I am looking forward to being in Venezuela for 3 weeks.  I don't have to work for 3 weeks, I don't have any responsibility whatsoever.  I don't have any problems over there.  It will be extremely beneficial for my soul to catch up on my family over there.  Beneficial to see how big the babies have gotten, meet the new babies, get blow away by my childish cousins becoming more adult, be frightened and hurt to see how aged my grandparents are becoming, be surprised by the differences in culture, and know that my family loves and care how I have been, &allow them to catch up with me. 

I feel as though I have split lives.  &I will be returning to one of my lives, my life in Venezuela has been so far gone that it feels like a dream sometimes. 
One of my lives is in Venezuela with my grandparents aunts uncles cousins siblings and beloved parents.  Technicallly Venezuela in my mind is split in two between my moms side and my dads side, but for the sake of less confusion Venezuela is just one life. 
Another of my lives is my home town in Roy.  My girls and their boyfriends, our pets and their parents.  Driving past the schools I attended and having memories pop up at me on every corner, scenes of laughter pain and freedom with my friends growing up, the friends I still roll those streets with. 
Another life I have is with Tony and our friends out here in West Jordan.  Going to their local bar with our buddies to play pool watch sports and hang out. 
Last but not least, my life with my family here in the US.  They are very special individuals.  The only ones I go so far back with, the ones I can share and laugh with memories about my own family.  We eat Venezuelan food and speak our Maracucho slang in Spanish.  Latin music playing, and sometimes dancing taking place.  We have good times and we always just treat each other with the utmost respect, never voicing our opinions of another publicly. 

No life is any less important than the other to me.  I love all of these people very passionately.  I have a special relationship with every person in my life.  I mean I'm not going to lie, I have one or two in every spectrum that I am just closer to or more combined with, but my love is no less for anyone close to me. 

These next 4 weeks I get to touch down on each one, then buckle down and get my car get a nice place to rent and get started on school taking two big steps towards Anthropology, travel, culture, and truly making this world a better place. 

.ohh.shit.

There are SO many incredible people on this planet. 

I love meeting people and getting blown away by their ambition.

Their intelligence.

Their dedication.

Their endurance.

Their inspiration.

Their talent.

&&Their insight. 

We can make a difference. :)  You can make a difference.  Lets fight the hatred, bring on the joy.

<3

.its.something.unpredictable.but.in.the.end.its.right. :)

I have had a few bad days at work, slow and unenthusiastic so in turn I of course got no sales.  Casey and Kyndra came over to my house with Brad and a large variety of coloring supplies, posters, coloring books, and stickers to color.  I created a "stay on track" colorful sheet reminding me exactly what my goals are, posted it up in my cubicle along with colorful animals and stickers.  I am now surrounded by motivational quotes.  Also by smiling birds, bears, rodants, giraffs, zebras, cows, ostrages, penguins, lions, elephants, and SOOO many colors.  Today I have had a great day for sales.  Yesterday I was grumpy and very dissatisfied with my job, I was low and merely enduring the day instead of making it a great one.  My last phone call of the day I spoke with a beautiful individual, a kind customer.  I didnt manage to get a sale from her but I did get a good kick in the ass and motivation to boot.  She is from the Phillipines, has started her own businesses and thanks to the profit from her businesses she has already opened a library in her home town.  I was astonished at how small of a world it is that she was the phone call that fell in my lap right when I needed it most.  A woman with similar goals as mine and the strength and heart of a true hero.  In my opinion this was a slight reminder of the law of attraction and a reminder to stay on track.  After speaking with her I was suddenly more grateful for my jobs.  I was more grateful for the fact that I have jobs at all, and every phone call I make I have the opportunity to help others, help businesses, and of course every phone call I recieve I am being paid.  My income goes towards saving up for my goals.  Once my goals are accomplished I can start to truly make a difference to those who wish to take advantage of the resources I can plant in needing areas.  I realized yesterday that I have been extremely ungrateful.  What did I learn today?  To pull my head out of my ass and be appreciative of my life and actively work towards the plans I have laid out.  A quote from a song that I can't quite think of the artist or title right now, but the quote says "Its something unpredictable, but in the end its right."  My path is unpredictable, but in the end I will make it.  I will change lives for the better, I will help give knowlege to willing minds, and most of all I will be a stepping stone to get people the resources they need to noursih their souls, expand their minds, and maybe get out of a rut to change their own lives and their own family's lives.  I have no idea what lies ahead, I know there are obstacles and I know it will be difficult.  I'm so grateful to have inspiration from others to give me the strength and confidence to continue on this unpredictable path. 

.talent.

Alex Romay is a man that is skilled beyond belief.  This man has a beautiful heart, is incredibly intelligent, and has the creative mind my grandmother passed on to him as well as several others in our family. 

Alex Romay's Art.

His ability to concentrate and focus so intricately, to capture an image and recreate it, and to be so humble and sharing with his artwork is something I find astonishing.  I am so proud of him.

My uncles work mostly consists of people.  His friends, his family, and his loved ones.  He also has artwork that is inspired by his religion and his passions. 

Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset. -Rabindranath Tagore. 

I admire the expression in his drawings and paintings.  I love that he expresses his heart, and his emotions.  The people in his life and the subtle flow of life that it gives his reality.  This reality is a sad place at times.  It hurts to catch up with those people you love most and know that time is always going to be passing you by, creating distance.  Time always creates distance between myself and the ones I care about, just like it does for Alex and any other individual existing in this dimmension.  Maybe his artistic expression is his way of holding on to the moments before time seperated us, maybe his art is in rememberance of the love and the joy shared in the past.  In my opinion those are the clouds.  Clouds carry heaviness and darkness, in the same way that people do.  People are always going to hurt us.  Thats the color though, emotions are like the waves in the ocean.  They keep things going, they keep me going.  I'd never be able to be fully happy if I didnt understand just what it felt like to be depressed or deprived.  People add beauty to our reality.  They provide a contradictory perspective, conflict our thoughts, and bring out new ideas.  Perspectives from others enlighten me, inspire me, and push me forward.  I know my talents are nowhere near my uncles when it comes to painting, but I have my own talents.  Everyone has a talent.  My advice to myself and to any readers, take those clouds and color your world.  Let them bring out your talents.  Let that hurt show you the beauty.  Instead of pouting in the rain, dance it in then enjoy the sunset.  

He drew a picture of me once.  It made me feel special. <3

.what.i.ache.for.

Oriah. 
Now this woman is worth listening to. In her book The Invitation she writes, "It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.  I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing."  Later on in that same chapter she wrote these words that flawlessly walked away with my breath... a perfect theft, "I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence."
I haven't gotten very far in the book, but this chapter and the following chapter blew me away.  After nearly every paragraph I stood in awe.  I read it.  Read it again.  &Read it again.  There is no wonder as to why I haven't drifted any farther than the second chapter yet, I haven't yet attained the courage necessary to do so.  Or the time to let it soak in as I read it. 

"I want to know what you ache for."

I ache to show others the beauty in this world.  Even if its not pretty.  I showed this invitation to a friend of mine, Frazee.  Once I read it aloud I just rambled for a moment of just how magnificently phrased it was, how deep and sincerely accurate Oriah meant it, and how true it is if applied to reality, to this world, to your heart. I rambled about all the little things that I believe to be beautiful, even if it isn't pretty.

Walking home a few weeks ago I dropped a gallon of milk.  It triggered a memory along with some tears.  The memory it triggered was one where Momma had told me a story.  A story about when I was a child with an older brother, an older sister and very little money was being brought into the house.  The three of us were telling momma we're hungry.  She purchased a gallon of milk which was all she had to offer.  My sweet big brother wanted to help mommy out by carrying it for, and he dropped it.  Three hungry children.  No money, and the only thing she could offer was a gallon of milk... that dropped and bled over the concrete.  When she told me the story I could only imagine the depth of her sadness and hurt. 
Years later I was walking home and Jack decided to rush at something suddenly which yanked me and my gallon of milk dropped.  I was hungry and I cried as I watched it bleed over the concrete.  My bank account was negative after unexpectedly having to send my family money along with my own expenses, I had two weeks left before payday to soothe my grumbling belly without depending upon another.  I cried, then I remembered my mother, my strong beautiful kind loving mother.  I was suddenly grateful that it was just me, I didn't have any children to feed.  I don't have any children to feed.  I survived until payday, though I most likely did lose a few more pounds.  I am currently the lightest I have ever been since junior high. 
I consider both of those precious gallons of milk bleeding over the concrete as beautiful.  When I reach my goals, when I succeed, when I help others, the gallon of milk that I watched bleed over the concrete will always have that photograph placed in my memory.  The hunger I have experienced and do experience on occasion makes me that much more appreciative of a warm meal.  I understand that pain, I understand that sadness, and I am so extremely grateful to truly know, to truly comprehend what it is like to be hungry and helpless.  I learned from that moment, my mother learned from her moment, and there are so many circumstances where I have learned from a sorrowful moment.  We shouldn't take sadness as a bad thing, we each have the opportunity to learn from our lives and I am so grateful to have strolled accross Oriah's words to know that I am not the only one who knows that not everything beautiful is pretty.

.jack.johnson.

This man's words pierce me.  He's simply comfortable and aware of his feelings and thoughts.  His words so gracefully attatch themselves to my heart, I carry his words with me even after the rhythm has dissipated.  It takes a lot of skill to accomplish that self synchronization between thoughts, emotions and actions.  To accomplish that skill and balance it with being aware of others and the skill to empathize is truly something I admire.  One song, one beautiful song, by Jack Johnson is Breakdown. <br>
It greatly influenced my life's energy for the longest time.  I imagined myself as the old train.  Chuggin' along.  Strong and completely capable to accomplish this duty.  So desperately working to reach just one destination.  There is no possibly incorrect step to make.  It is one rail, with ups downs and swerves accross the mountainside.  I am proud to be this train.  There are those times I just hope for, though.  Just for one moment where this train breaks down, "Then I can take a walk around and see what there is to see, time is just a melody.  All the people in the street walk as fast as their feet can take them I just roam through town."

 

 

Jack Johnson's Breakdown.

http://youtu.be/030gZ-A8hss

.question.question.

Ever played kings cup? Cards face down messy in a circle. Draw a card, each card represents a part of the game.
2- is for you. Whoever drew the two picks someone to drink.
3- is for me. Whoever drew the 3 takes a drink.
4- is for whores. All ladies drink.
5- make a rule. Whoever drew the 5 makes a rule that lasts until someone else draws a 5 to cancel it, or just make another rule.
5 can also be played as whoever draws a 5 hands out five drinks. "Marcus take 5 drinks!" or "Jamie, Fredrick, John, Cindy, and Sara each take a drink."
6- is for dicks. All gentlemen drink.
7- never have I ever. The goal is to make everyone ELSE drink, or at least one other. Think of something you have never done but the others may have done. "Never have I ever fell out of a tree." The goofy girl with glasses takes a drink. Its a good laugh ;)
8- dont be late. If you see an 8 race to raise your hand. The last one to raise their hand takes a drink.
9- rhyme. The person who draws the 9 picks a word, the person to their left rhymes with it. "Pickle" "Sickle" "Fickle" "uh..." DRINK.
10- categories. Whoever draws the 10 picks a category. "Marlboro cigarettes. Marlboro red" "Marlboro smooth" "Marboro 72's" "uh..." DRINK.
J- waterfall. Whoever draws the jack starts drinking, the person to their left starts drinking right after, the person to their left starts drinking after. You cannot stop drinking until the person who started drinking right before you stops drinking.
Q-QUESTION QUESTION. Whoever picks up a Queen asks a question directed at anyone. The person must respond with a question related to the topic of the previous question. If a question is answered or not responded with a question, they must drink.
K- drink. If you draw a King the card is placed in the middle of the circle and you chug chug chug. Whoever draws the last king must finish off their beer, and chug a whole one. The 4th king ends the game.


Lets revert back to the Queen. Question Question.


Dismiss the past it has no significance, all it shows is what I've learned. I have no restraints, no ball and chain, nothing holding me back. My past is behind me. My past has gekoed create me, but this creation is not encaged.


Question question. How am I to reach my ultimate goal? Is anyone going to step up and help me? I am young and determined, smart and capable of incredible things (drink). Will anyone see that? Is there anyone willing to work past my low heirarchy status in this social world?


Question question. Is my past restraining me? Do I have any ghosts I am not facing? Are there any more skeletons in my closet that I havent yet discovered? I have worked hard to uncover the repressions that I have been holding on to over the past two years (drink). Are there any more repressions hiding? Are these memories just waiting for something traumatic to trigger them to come out of hiding? How will I deal with it? Will it be as difficult as it was last year when I was bombarded with hidden secrets I had hidden from myself?


7- never have I ever. Never have I ever felt this confident. Never have I ever been this proud. Never have I ever been so surrounded by people I love. Never have I ever been so surrounded by people who love me. Never have I ever felt so secure in a relationship. Never have I ever had a goal that I so passionately needed to strive for.


Question Question. Did you take a drink? What are you lacking? What steps can you take to accomplish this? Lets take a step backwards one year (drink).


2011 D says "never have I ever felt this confident," 2010 drinks. 2011 says "Never have I ever been this proud," 2010 drinks. 2011 says "Never have I ever been so surrounded by people I love," 2010 drinks. 2011 says "Never have I ever been so surrounded by people who love me," 2010 drinks. 2011 says "Never have I ever felt so secure in a relationship," 2010 drinks. 2011 says "Never have I ever had a goal that I so passionately need to strive for," 2010 has just begun.


In December of 2009 when my father was treated like a criminal by to cockhead motherfuckers, put in cuffs and taken to the immigration office in Murray, UT my world crashed around me, and my journey began. I had just began schooling again. I had 11 credits, 16 more to go before graduation. My dad had just leased a building to open the restaurant he had been striving for his whole life. We had plans. We had goals. We had worked so hard. At the time I was an underage citizen of the US so he was alotted 6 months to kick rocks. The government told him to get the hell out. He got here with a Visa. Each and every year he pettitioned for residency, he payed taxes every year. Him and my mother both had never broken any laws, they donated to charities when possible, bought girlscout cookies, attended church, got each of our pets from an animal shelter, and kept their 3 children in line. I was 16 years old and my world came crashing around me. I got 16 credits in 5 months, while working full time at the restaurant my dad had just opened. Romalia Gourmet Meals to Go. We had to try and sell it, we failed. We lost everything. &Young miss D had to walk the graduation stage, graduation a year early- proud as hell after working so hard, so so hard - alone. I have about 40 relatives here in Utah who should have been there to support me. 40 relatives who knew that I was alone in the United States, knew that I just lost EVERYTHING that consisted of my life, &needed the support. 4 relatives made it to my graduation. 1 friend attended. Never had I ever been so alone.


That wasn't the hardest part though. The hardest part was knowing how my dad felt. My poppa, my hero, my safety, the man who was patient with me and taught me how to walk, how to ride a bike, how to swim, how to throw a football a baseball and a punch, taught me how to be patient, how to do a handstand, and how to love. My momma, the best mother on this planet who had nursed me and loved me, taught me how to talk, how to read, how to do math, how to stay strong, how to keep my learning disabilities under control, taught me how to be happy despite chronic depression, taught me to cook, to clean properly and effeciently, how put on a bra, and walked me through the differences in pads and what to do when cramps get too bad. My parents who got my kindergarten teacher to quit after calling me stupid. My mother was protective and defensive enough over me to break that ignorant racist woman down so drastically that she quit even before giving the school a chance to fire her. My mother made sure that woman would never be hired again as a kindergarten teacher. She was never able to damage another child, thanks to my parents. The government still ruined their lives. Everything they worked for, they hoped for, they prayed for, and sacrificed for.. was taken away.

My grandma had died a year prior to his departure, and my grandpa had died 3 years prior. He had suffered through their sicknesses without being able to nurse them and care for them because he couldnt leave the country or he wouldnt be able to return. &now he was being kicked out. He had suffered, both his parents had suffered, and now it was all in vein.

This began my journey. When I was busy working at Romalia Gourmet Meals to Go, striving towards graduating a year early, and struggling to balance the shattered pieces of my life while acomplishing my goals, I realized my passion. I realized I wanted to become an Anthropologist. I realized I wanted to start school immediately and be top of the class, slaughter the courses and cut through the semesters like a hot knife through butter. I was passionate, &I had to graduate early to get a head start. Be the youngest in my classes and stand out. Get important eyes on me and show that I am the one who will change this world.


Everything was on track...
I graduated a year early.


I got a scholarship for graduating a year early.


I got stuck in Venezuela for 6 months.


Financial aid screwed me over and I wasnt able to get my textbooks until two months into the semester. I had fallen behind and already lost one semseter and now I was losing another because I just couldnt catch up.


Plans changed.


I had to start working because my parents plans to start the farm had been put on pause due to obstacles after obstacles and their money had run out.


I was 17 years old, I was blazing with passion and urgent determination to get my life started and change the lives of people born into unfortunate circumstances.


I was helpless.


I am now working one full time job and one part time. Working every day. Paycheck to paycheck. Broke and alone. With extraoardinary goals, and a heart bigger than my soul could endure.


Question question.
What steps do I take from this position to accomplish my goals?


This is my journey.

.anticipation.

Anxious, antsy, excited.
Bubbly &nervous, curious &scared. I get to give my mother, father, brother, sister, and chihuahua Pinky a hug... in 25 days. Im scared to see them, theyve changed Ive changed theyve been living together they know their inside jokes, theyre up to date on the occurances in each others lives. When I show up I have stories about Tony, Jack, Pandro &my girls. They dont know my boyfriend, they dont know my dog, they dont know my house, they dont know my job, they dont even know what I look like. My hair has grown, I got my nose pierced, I changed my make up and eyebrow style, I'm skinnier, I have a tattoo. I swear as much as I used to &I'm so much more outgoing. What will it be like?
Momma wants me to move to Venezuela and work at the university my brother and sister found jobs at. She wants me to live with her and study and work.. She wants me to leave the life I have so painfully struggled to create over the past two years. &then what? What will I have there?

I miss my family. I love them. I would love to make my life a little easier and go play, get a ride to school to work and home everyday. Sleep in on the weekends and have momma bear cook for me.

I cant let Tony go though.. I cant risk losing him, &I cant bear to be without him. I wont leave him. I refuse to hurt him, &I refuse to deprive myself of that joy, that fulfillment. He is my heart &my soul &I will stand by him until the end of my days. Proudly.

So here is the plan.

April 30th I am leaving to Venezuela to spend 3 weeks with my family. I plan on sleeping in and staying up late and eating lots and laughing hard and smiling often and swimming and dancing and sweating and scratching mosquito bites and enjoying every minute of it. I plan to drink with my family and listen to Vallantos, I plan on crossing the El Puente Sobre el Lago (Maracaibo bridge) and watching the birds in the 800ft trees.. the tree size is the only overestimation.

May 20th I will get back on an airplane. I will cry, I will be torn and sad and wishing to stay. I will dread work the next day. I will meet Tony at the airport and cry, kiss him hug him tell him I love him and how much I missed him. I will return home with Tony that night. I will pet Pandro and Aros and laugh at them playing with one another. I will awake early the following morning look at my luggage and hurt, but I will smile and be grateful that I had the opportunity to witness my family's home first hand.

I will have gone 3 weeks with no pay. &I will struggle.


Plans. Get my license immedately after returning home. Get a car. Find a job closer to Tony's house. Move in with my love. Save up for school. I will start school in spring if all goes well. &as I study I will save up to open a business.. thats where my plans will begin.

.my.just.wanna.go.home.

Where on gods green earth can I purchase some red ruby slippers to click together &&get the fuck home?
Its just one of those days.
Once upon a time my belly hurt in the middle of the night &I could walk accross the hall, wake momma up... &have her rub my back until I fell asleep. Once asleep Poppa would carry me back to my bed..
Momma, my heart hurts can I lay in bed with you till its better? No. Why not? Because the government has no heart and felt no remose leaving me young &alone to face the dangers and pains of the world. I keep my head up, I hold my own. I have my strength &I have learned a lot. My siblings have matured incredibly quickly &though I havent seen them for a year and a half I am so proud of the individuals they have become. I miss them. &I miss my boyfriend. Tony &I were basically living together for months, I snuggled with the man I love every night &now I only get him for a few hours on weekends. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I love my life though. I love the freedom &the joy. I love the beauty and the knowledge that has hungrily taken its post on the battlefield of my mind.
I am well aware of the fact that this is what will make it worthwhile. These experiences are making me strong enough to live the life I thirst for, &my pain makes me proud to help those who's lives I will touch. I meditate and I see myself there. In Africa, in Brazil, In Chili... opening facilities that will give people the resources they need to better themselves. To nourish their souls. To expand their minds.

I will make it. I have to stay strong.

If anyone happens to find any red ruby slippers, please inform me immediately. <3 D.

.in.the.midst.of.making.memories.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I ended on a good note at work, with a smile on my face and productivity under my belt. I feel good about work, I am proud of the fact that I can earn a living to take care of myself and those I love. Heather gave me a ride home, I bought her a pack of Marlboro smoothes. I got to my house. Jack, for one of the first times ever, did NOT trash the place. Boy oh boy he got some good lovin! Tony arrived soon after with Pandro in his car. Jack was running around frantically, prancing like a dear, I laughed and looked out the window. A small white Honda pulled up to the side of my house. With a surge of enthusiasm the door swung open &off I was with Jack at my heels to give my sweetheart a kiss. One kiss. Two kisses. Three. Four. "I love you." I missed you, you smell good, you shaved! "Babe your beard is gone!" I graze his face gently. Five. Your smile is beautiful. "Pandro! I missed you!" Kisses to my boys. Love to my boys. So excited to have our boys meet. So excited. Heart racing. With Jack excitedly trying to pile in the car, and Pandro excitedly trying to pile out, I rushed inside to get shoes. A variety of stickies jabbed into the bottoms of my feet &I was back outside in a heartbeat. Jack got left in the yard so Tony could leave me at the park with Pandro, return to my house to retrieve Jack, then all four of us could congregate as a happy family in the middle of a park. Cross your fingers. I hope this goes well. Standing in the park with an open heart and positive expectations I roamed the broad park behind my 6th grade elementary school. Pandro ran around excitedly greeting joggers and dogs strolling by with their owners. I waited impatiently. I impatiently waited. &the time dragged by. Once Tony returned and Jack escaped the confines of the Honda he ran right up to Pandro, sniffed for a half second. BARK. "HEY, you play nice," shouts Tony. &the boys obeyed. We walked, tossed the ball that neither dog was interested in returning.. just chasing. I enjoyed the clouds, the sky, the joggers, &the memories. I told Tony about my 6th grade boyfriend that pecked another girl at classic skating and made me cry on the "tiger walk" the following day. The tiger walk is the trail around the park that all sixth graders walked nearly every day. He felt no pain for my eleven year old heart, he actually found some hilarity in it. Our boys mutually put up 3 foot circumference barriers that neither intruded on. At one point Jack laid down. Following his lead I laid down and used him as a pillow, then Pandro came to say hello. Jack jumped up, I sat up, a rumble echoed in his chest. Talking baby talk to my boys I came to my feet and pet both heads. Jack threw a sharp left hook &Pandro firmly placed both paws around Jacks neck, Jack ferociously snapped at Pandro and Tony roared. Our boys seperated at the sound of Tonys superiority &my poor little heart fell. The hairs on their backs resembled the horns on a dinosaur. They are territorial over me. Pandro is territorial over me. Jack is territorial over me. &&I am lost as of what to do besides be patient. Tony says that we just have to wait. We continued to roam the park and the boys didnt argue, though they did not play. Once we piled back into the car Jack refused back seat. Im not sharin back seat with hiiimm, nuh uh. NO momma NO! Luckily, Tony is alpha male. Though unwillingly, Jack got in the back seat. The rest of my day was simple. The boys only fought twice more, Tony and I went to Arbys then came home. Snuggled. Showered. Then my friends Casey Chelsea and Kyndra came over to play Phase10. I hated to see Tony go, it hurt my feelings. One kiss, two kisses. Three kisses. Four. I love you, I love you. Ill miss you. Drive safe my love. Goodnight. I woke up this morning to my sweet Jack. That little dickhead. How he makes me smile, &simultaneously makes me flame. I get SO upset because of him, he knows better. He has been good though, &Iexpect no less of him. He is too smart to misbehave. Heather came to get me with James, we went to Jamba juice and I bought them each an original size. One white gummybear, one orange cream machine, &one mango peach topper. Mmmm.. I love healthiness. I love the positive atmosphere of entering Jamba Juice. I love the smiles and the music, the colors and the freshness. I love it all. I would love to make Jamba Juice a permanent part of my lifestyle. Work has been nice, one of Frazee's friends is starting and he split with me. His name is James and he is the second James on my floor. Today was a good day. Everyday has the possibility to be a good day.

.its.money.making.time.

MONEY MONEY MONEY. That is all this world has come to isnt it? Well I am at work. Its money making time. We have the big fish in my department today watching our every move and it is critically stressful... so I write. I write about my life, my joys, my worries, my sadness. I write. &&now I officially have a blog to write to. If someone reads it, thank you I appreciate you &if no one reads it. This is my life &I feel good sharing it. Sharing it with someone, anyone. Sharing it with no one, sharing it with my future self to look back upon. One day I will reach my goals. I will make a difference, I will touch lives. I will help individuals in need. I will effect those with lives like mine, worse than mine, or just those with hurt. Today I got a ride to work with a friend, a coworker, a very beautiful woman with a soul that is radiant. For the blogs sake her name will be Heather. She gives me rides to and from work on most days, I am right on the way. &&ohhh how I wish I could compensate her with more than my friendship. MONEY MONEY MONEY. We stopped by Del Taco on our way to work - the cashier was multitasking. She got my order, another co worker, Heathers, as well as at least 3 people in the drive through lane. She did it accurately without moaning and groaning. I wish her happiness, and success in a healthier career. Tony &I will be moving out together. We have been a couple since October so it is fairly fast. Tony &I are definately somethin else though, we understand each other. Our relationship has moved by not too quick, but not slow. He makes me laugh, I make him laugh. He has held me when I cry &I have listened to him late into the night wondering out loud. We live an hour away from each other &I dont see him often as Id like. This man captured me when I thought kno one would ever be able to handle me. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ADD, and I have severe problems with repression. I do not take medications, &my mother taught me as a child that I am strong and intelligent and I can handle my problems all on my own. Today in age I am 18 years young living in a house in a ghetto neighborhood supporting my mother father brother sister self and my dog Jack. Tony lives just over an hour away, &we are in hopes of reducing that distance. I work two jobs, my weekenend job is only 20 minutes from his house. Weekends are our time to enjoy one another, once upon a time I was staying at his house nearly every night. Once upon a time in a memory. &soon, once upon a time in reality. I love this man, &I want to witness his life. <3D.