"We all die, the goal is not to live forever; the goal is to create something that will." -Chuck Palahniuk

Sometimes I panic thinking about the death of my parents or siblings.  I can't live without them, this world will SUCK if they aren't in it.  They really are a phenomenal contribution to the human species, all four of them.  For some reason I don't worry about my own death, I find comfort in it really.  Maybe it's because I work hard each and every day I try to grow as a person whether it be emotionally mentally spiritually or physically I try to do something productive each day.  Aside from that I consider myself to be a good person, nice to others, and honest.  So if I was to die I'd die comfortably knowing I did my best on this planet and now its time to rest.  I don't believe in heaven, or an after life of any sort.  I am happy about that though, until I think about my loved ones and that is when I understand why religion has made "heaven" to soothe the souls of mourners.  All we can really do here though, is create something that will stay behind when we cease.  In my parents case, they left their awesome genes behind, they make some amazing babies!  They raised us right, and each of us are really motivated to make a difference in this world.  My parents have succeeded and they too are still striving each day to reach new heights.  In my case..I want to travel, builds schools and libraries, publish books on other cultures, spread knowledge and maybe inspire peace.   On top of that, I want to publish my family's story. 

I just want a witness..

"There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you." – Maya Angelou.

I love witnessing the lives of others.  I feel that I ask a million questions and I sincerely care for details on the response, what it felt like, what they thought, what the surrounding environment looked like...  I do that.  I try to be the witness of the lives of those close to me, mostly my mother's life and my best friend Kyndra.  I wish I had a life partner though, a true love romance where I was passionate and together we were a team making logical decisions based on what would be the best for our future, if we were to have offspring's future, and of course what contribution we could make to society together.  I want a love that motivates me to take care of myself as much as I want to take care of my partner.  I do feel that agony that Maya refers to, because I dont think anyone listens, observes, and absorbs your story quite like a lover does.  I have an untold story, is anybody listening? 

"Always concentrate on how far you have come, rather than how far you have left to go. The difference in how easy it seems will amaze you." - Heidi Johnson.

Maybe I'm just a little too much for anyone to handle. <3

Rejouvination.

I recently discovered through GreenPeace a remarkable artist by the name of Jason deCaires Taylor. I'm literally in awe of this man's work. He has created maginificant statues representing humanity; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Not only has he managed to be creative, innovative, and moving with his artwork... its under water!   His intention is to draw people away from fragile natural coral reefs and instead be drawn to his artwork which is meant to act as artificial reefs in hopes to attract corals to support more marine life and provide space for natural rejouvination. 

©Jason deCaires Taylor

©Jason deCaires Taylor

©Jason deCaires Taylor

©Jason deCaires Taylor

©Jason deCaires Taylor

I love this world.  I love our planet, I love the intelligence of the human species and the beautiful things we are capable of.  I love the cultures we create, the words we string together, the images we invent.  I love the human mind.  It is painful to see the horrendous things that small minded people can create, though.  &&Unfortunately the greedy, the stingy, and the selfish are the ones with the talent for manipulating society into following in their path of destructin.  When I see a positive movement as phenomenal as this one I get more hope for the human race.  I get excited about doing something as monumental one day.  Lets stop doubting ourselves and just fix this planet, yeah?

Spirited.

I consider myself to be a highly spirited individual.  I'm proud of it.  I'm glad that I am able to wake myself up early saturday mornings and help out TreeUtah, I love that I am one of the few people who actually take their dog out every day, and still play fetch most of the afternoon afterwards.  He is groomed bathed and his teeth brushed, and he gets cuddled and loved on endlessly.  I show my friends how much I appreciate them and I tell my family how much I love them.  I congratulate people on their accomplishments and I do my best every single day of my life to keep my thoughts, my words, and my actions in line with my beliefs.  Tomorrow is my little cousin's graduation from SNOW College.  I couldn't be more proud of her.  I am taking the day off and driving 3 hours south to go visit her, give her a hug and support her with pride.  This will be the second day I've ever taken a day off in the history of my work life, including sick days.  Even though I never take a day off I still take full advantage of my weekends. 



My contribution to their "Week of Action for Wolves"

Over this past weekend I went to the Liberty Park drum circle.  They had many hippie type booth's set up.  In one booth they were spreading awareness on wolves and trying to get them back into Utah.  I took the time to stop and write a letter to President Obama, then I thanked the man for the opportunity.  Personally, I think it is outrageous that some selfish farmer's and other greedy individuals have successfully exterminated the wolves in Utah.  Now I come to find out that Idaho is a close runner up!  We're approaching the one year anniversary since Idaho's congress stripped federal protections for wolves in the Northern Rockies.  In just ONE year almost half of the wolves population has been diminished!?  That is ridiculous.  So today I chose to show some of my support to The Defenders of Wildlife.  I can't afford a half gallon of milk, so I definately can't make a donation just yet.  I will though, maybe on my next paycheck!  I do urge any readers to check out their website and help wolves thrive again.  They truly are an amazing species.  To learn more about wolves you can google facts about wolves and a bunch of websites pop up!   They're interesting, give it a try. 

Momma Dearest

Mommy helping me take my first steps Grandma's back yard 1993

May 1st of 2011 I was getting on an airplane to give my Momma a hug on her birthday night in Venezuela.  American Airlines awful customer service ended up getting me lost and I missed my flight, which didn't have another going to Venezuela until the following day.  I remember a pressure in my chest as warm tears rushed down my face in anger that people can be that incredibly rude and unhelpful, and agnoy that I was going to miss my mom's birthday for the first time in my life. 

Playing in the snow 1993

After 365 of Earth's pirouettes I was back in the same sadness I was last year.  I miss my mom and it is now two years in a row I haven't gotten to be with her on her special day.  She such an amazing woman, full of strength kindness and forgiveness.  She's always been so good at making me laugh when I needed it the most, had the best advice and the most wonderful hugs. I miss waking up to her blaring music on a Sunday while she'd clean the house, or even better when she'd come into my room lay in bed with me and baby talk me, then pop my toes and tell me to get up. I miss cooking with her, riding bikes with her, crawling into her bed to annoy her while she'd try to read. I miss taking naps with her, and going to run errands with her. How is it possible we always managed to have fun on a trip to the bank, or picking up groceries at Wal-Mart?  I am proud to be so similar to her, I'm basically her replica. I love looking at pictures and going, HOLY CRAP, is that me or momma?  I know exactly who it is, but our similarites are quite astonishing.  I love that we think so similarly, and we feel emotions in almost the same way, we sit and we talk and we completely understand one another when no one in the world can manage to grasp us. I am sad that I can't be there to make her breakfast and help her clean the house with loud music playing and dance together or sing together, or just laugh together. I wish I could be there to eat a mango with her under the mango tree talking about our dreams and our goals, our plans and our passions.  She is one of the only people I know who have as strong a passion as I do.  I want to sit in the shade listening to birds chirp and smell the sweet Maracaibo air talking about the people we love and share memories together.  My mom is truly the best mother any person could ever ask for, whatsoever. No one could ever live up to her in my eyes, and I look forward to writing her amazing biography.  With her shining example, patient guidance and steadfast love, I hope to grow to be a reflection of all her best qualities.   May this next year be filled with prosperity and peace for her. <3  

Christmas 2006



Freedom.

I realize that more frequent than not people have picture album's titled, "the new me." If not that, something along those lines.  I don't have a new beginning, a new me, or a start over button like so many others. I have a history, memories I cherrish, people I will forever carry with me whether they remember my face in their dreams or not. I have a reputation I've been building, and one day I will have the success I have cried for, bled for, and struggled for. Blistered feet can't slow me down. ♥

I have literally had small puddles of blood in the bottoms of my shoes from blisters.  I couldn't slow down though, I had to keep pace for one reason or another.  Usually I'd have to run to catch the bus with my ears that ached so much from the frozen wind I'd prefer not to have them at all.  The running would put sharp fierce stabbing pains in my chest that almost brought tears to my eyes at times, but I couldnt think about the pain I had to think about catching that stupid bus so I would be on time for a meeting with DWS, or for a class, or to make it in to work; I could never sacrifice being late for work for two reasons.  Reason number one, I have an immense work ethic.  Reason number two, 30 minutes of work can determine whether or not I eat come payday.  If it wasn't the icy wind I was enduring it was the scalding sun beating down on me, but I worked hard and now I have finally reached a foundation.

It is astounding to me that I now have my own apartment and my own car.  My mind is boggled that I have a great job, with great health insurance, and I finally have stability.  Don't get me wrong, having my own things makes me pretty freaking pathetically broke, but my bills are paid &&I have enough to get groceries to last my paycheck.  I don't have a dime to spare for Wendy's or a Redbox but I am taken care of.  I am moving on up, and I couldn't be more proud!  Proud that I can hold my own without renting a room from someone, proud that my dog has his own territory for once, proud that I will live somewhere for more than 4 months (which hasn't happened in 4 years), I am proud that my hardwork has at least brought me to this milestone.  I'm still me, my experiences have constructed me. &&I would never, EVER, forget my past to reconstruct a false persona.  I'm one step closer, hopefully I can start school in fall.  "A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that other's have thrown at him." -David Brinkley

What I Stand For

So I officially decided that I either need to start living off of the Earth and quit my job.  That way I can backpack all over the world, live free and have unlimited time to volunteer.  I need to actually BE the change I want to see in the world.  It is that, or stop breaking my heart by reading about a bunch of non-profits and only be able to mildly volunteer, which I wont do because I just can't help but be passionate and care for the planet we share.  I think I am going to finish out the lease on my apartment, sell my car.  &&Go to Argentina to work on a permaculture farm with my siblings for a while then backpack while spreading awareness.  That idea sounds .l.o.v.e.l.y. to me, lets see where life takes me and hopefully I can accomplish it.  I miss my family. 

I have been volunteering with TreeUtah but work gets in the way, most of the plantings are early mornings during the week and I unfortunately have to eat and pay for my shelter, so work is a priority. Uck. I did just find out about Carpets for Communities and that flare of emotion burst inside of me, yet again.  I emailed them and now I am waiting for a response to see if I will be able to help their wonderful project to the best of my ability.  I hate the ball and chain of living in society restricting me from participating in what I believe in, its time to work towards freeing myself.  I need to LIVE.

 http://carpetsforcommunities.org/ is a nonprofit organization teaching families "how to fish" instead of "giving them a fish."  Their goal is that "By 2012, we will return 2500 children at risk of exploitation to school by empowering 500 families in Cambodia and the world.” By empowering mothers to send their children to school through the production and sale of one-of-a-kind, hand-hooked carpets, we aim to improve the livelihoods of the poor in Poipet Commune and to help them break through the poverty cycle. <3 When I find out more about how to support them I will make sure to update it here.