It's Time

"You may be 38 years old, as I happen to be, and one day some great opportunity stands before you and calls you to stand up for some great principle, some great issue, some great cause; and you refuse to do it because you are afraid, you refuse to do it because you will live longer.  You're afraid that you will lose your job, or you are afraid that you will be criticized or that you will lose your popularity, or you're afraid that somebody will stab you, or shoot at you or bomb your house, so you refuse to take the stand.  Well, you may go on and live until you are 90, but you're just as dead at 38 as you would be at 90.  The cessation of breathing in your life is but the belated announcement of an earlier death of the spirit." -Martin Luther King Jr.

So I decided to look within myself.  I returned to my roots and I looked up Dragonfly.  My obsession with dragonflies sprouted for a reason and it came time to remind myself.  Among the meanings of dragonflies on this website, these were listed:

• Maturity and a Depth of character
• Power and Poise
• Defeat of Self Created Illusions
• Focus on living ‘IN’ the moment
• The opening of one’s eyes    

I then searched youtube for "dragonfly" and these were the first two songs I heard.

 

I've decided I'm leaving.  I'm getting my Venezuelan ID and I'm hoping to move by June.  Life is going to change, and I'm bringing Jack with me. <3

The Love That Let Us Share Our Name

There aren't words to describe the love I have for my magical family.  Us five are so uniquely close words could never live up to it.  The Avett Brother's describe it perfectly.  I heard this song in person, live, at The Gallivan Center.  I had never heard of the Avett Brothers prior to that day, and they impacted me immensely with this song.  I just happened to be downtown that day so I went to the gallivan center because I love it there.  At first I was all bummed out because there was a HUGE crowd.  I hung out any ways and I noticed how many hippies were there, it made me kind of happy.... then this song came on and I just started crying.  I am a huge fan of theirs now, and I think its no coincidence that I stumbled across them in person at one of my top favorite places on this planet. <3

If I get murdered in the city
Don’t go revengin' in my name
One person dead from such is plenty
No need to go get locked away

When I leave your arms
The things that I think of
No need to get over alarmed
I’m comin' home

I wonder which brother is better
Which one our parents love the most
I sure did get in lots of trouble
They seemed to let the other go

A tear fell from my father’s eyes
I wondered what my dad would say
He said I love you
And I’m proud of you both, in so many different ways

If I get murdered in the city
Go read the letter in my desk
Don’t worry with all my belongings
But pay attention to the list

Make sure my sister knows I loved her
Make sure my mother knows the same
Always remember, there is nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name
Always remember, there is nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name

I Miss The Making Of Our Memories.

Today, I am reminiscent.

I miss you.  

I miss our time together.  

I miss the making of our memories.

Your laugh accompanied by that incredible smile.  &Don't get me started with those beautiful blue eyes.

I miss the hours spent on your couch, I miss hikes, lounging by the pool, walks with Jack. I miss your genuine and warm company, your randomness, the deep laughter you'd create in me.  I miss how you'd push me to my boundaries and tell me, "if it doesn't challenge you it doesn't change you"... then I'd do my best to man up and not let you see the struggle to keep myself contained.  Whether it be controlling my breath so I don't pass out climbing a mountain side, or not screaming as that rush in my belly indicates the Jeep is about to tip, or I'm about to fly off the back of a jet ski..  My god, I miss you're smile, and you embrace.  

Just as I am missing you, I am missing a little bit of everyone.  Of every time period of my life. I miss being a child and jumping the fence to pet baby goats.  Of playing in the fields during recess.  I miss exploring everything, with everything being new and exciting.  I miss getting "drunk" from carbonated apple cider and struggling to stay awake until midnight for presents.  I miss being in sixth grade and feeling like the king of the world, the oldest kids in the school, the bosses of the playground.  I miss junior high and the need of independence, exclusivity, uniqueness and individuality that all of us struggled with and tolerated in one another.  I miss the freedom of being able to skip school and laugh, enjoy good company, make good memories.  I miss Friday nights with family.  I miss the boiling hot days, and hot nights all the same with Vallenatos, Cerveza, Merengue and Dominoes.  I miss granja's and arepa's, birthdays and stories of ancestors.  I miss hanging out with the gang in Kyndra's back yard, I miss partying at my first house with those who had previously abandoned me, then continued to do so again.  I miss hikes, river wading, moon watching, and swimming.  I miss the long nights at the bar, strolls the the golf course at midnight, rides through the canyon.  I miss dinner, and movies, holding hands, hugs, being heard and listened to.  I miss hookah and smoking pipe tobacco on the back porch.  I miss it all, I miss everyone.

I wish for once, .j.u.s.t. once, someone would stay in my life.  For god's sake, just stay.

I miss the making of memories.  Shared memories between you and I.  All of us.  Friends and family, and all of the people that I used to know.  I miss you.

The Human Spirit.

My poor little emotions are in overdrive today.  Sometimes, I just want to cry.  It's in those times that I need to remind myself of the truth in this reality. 

My brother is a brilliant man.  Bloody brilliant.  Not too long ago he said to me, "As much fluoride as they put in the water to dumb us down, as much GMO food they feed us, as much refined sugar we consume, as impoverished and ignorant that they make us. YOU CAN'T FUCK WITH THE HUMAN SPIRIT. We're beautiful."

We.

Are.

Beautiful.

Life can be rough.  It gets painful, and sad, and lonely.  We are an incredible species though.  The human mind inspires me.  With our strength, endurance, inventions, intelligence, spirituality, possibilities, humans are capable of anything we put our minds to.  This big magnificent magical world is absolutely astonishing, and we LIVE in it.  My brother inspires me.  He is a go-getter.  I am so immensely proud of the man he has grown into, and the growth he continues to strive towards.  He is the type of person who chose to educate himself.  Endless research, hours upon hours reading and listening and digging and learning.  I can say I try to educate myself and I read as much as I can.  I try, I really do, but I get side tracked, I get sleepy and lazy and uninterested at times.  I can't say that for him.  I enjoy trying to live up to his example. 


Myself, Aaron, and Andrea.

With my emotions in overdrive I sometimes get caught up in the little things, the insignificant things.  After all, Christmas is just another day.  Most people scarcely appreciate their family until Thanksgiving or Christmas roll around.  My family on the other hand.  We love, we talk, we share, we appreciate, we say the things that are sometimes hard to say.  Despite being without my family on Christmas, I felt their love.  "Sometimes, the people that are a thousand miles away from you can make you feel better than the people that are right beside you."

My brother Aaron decided he wanted to go to a meditation course in Brazil, he currently lives in Argentina.  At the drop of a hat he hitch hiked there.  I'm impressed with him.  That's the same motivation that Christopher Columbus had when he decided to sail to the other side of the world, and discovered the America's.  The same spark of "I'm going to do this" that Benjamin Franklin had when he decided to go out in a thunder storm with a kite!  The shining bright light that is within each of us should be worked towards. 

I took a page out of my brothers book, small, albeit lovely.  I took the Mayans advice on 12/21/2012 to live like there is no tomorrow, and I drove to Coronado, California.  Completely spur of the moment.  It was an incredible trip, and because of it I got to stand in the ocean and watch dolphins jump out of the water and swim about, playing, not even 100 feet from me. 

Life is great.

We.

Are.

Beautiful.

Fink.

I've been watching Lie To Me on Netflix.  A show about the science of reading facial expressions, body language, manipulators, macroexpressions and such.  I find it immensely fascinating.  Anywho, they played a song and it totally sparked something in me.  So I searched it.  I have officially discovered Fink.  I have found my new obsession.



Solitude - Serhatdemiroglu

When Fin sings, "The things that keep me alive, keep me alone."  I can relate.  It burned something in me, maybe that bit of sadness that always lurks with me in my solitude.  I care so passionately about so many things, things that most others seem to find so insignificant.  The things that keep me alive.

It keeps me alone. 

Reading, learning, exploring... these things keep me alive.  Being compassionate, donating, volunteering, hiking mountainsides, signing petitions... these things keep me alive.  Recycling, turning the water off while I brush my teeth or soap the dishes, turning lights off when they aren't in use... these things keep me alive.  I am outcasted because of it.  These things keep me alone. 

My dog is my happiness.  I am a proud momma, and humans have shown me the cycle of disappointment and unreliability.  I value my relationship with my dog more than most of my human relationships.  Long walks, fetch, cuddling, teaching new tricks... these things keep me alive, &they keep me alone. 

I'd love to change that, I can't sacrifice my priorities for possibilities though.  I can't put my self worth on pause for the small possibility that someone might stick around.  So I keep the things that keep me alive, even if it keeps me alone.

Contemplation - Guillermo Carballa

"The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind." -Albert Einstein.

If I'm Lost at Sea

I'm not to sure why this song impacted me so much.  I love the idea though.  Knowing that soon enough I will be off "going nowhere, but nowhere is somewhere to me."

That need to go, to flee, to run and jump, to experience and learn, meet new places, see new faces... It calls to me in .e.v.e.r.y. waking moment.

"Everyone, everywhere is taking their time but going no where,
I

can't

live

my

life

on

their

time
I just had to run away"

Everyday we wake up we go to work we go home we run our errands we get sucked into the endless soulsucking pit of the media... taking our time and going nowhere.  I can't do it.  It is as if my body physically rejects the idea.  I don't have a TV, I don't have an mp3 or an iPod, I recently had to buy a computer for school but I hated doing it.  I prefer to climb a tree and breath in the fresh air and enjoy the view from up there...

I can't live my life on their time.
I just have to run away.

"If I'm lost at sea,
Tell my mother, my father, my sisters, my brother,
My friends and my foes, and all my past lovers,
That I will miss them so.
But lord, I had to go."

Overthinking.

I am 20 years young and as I learn more I realize that Ralph W. Sockman was right when he said, "The larger the island of knowledge is, the longer the shoreline of wonder."

I'm thirsty for knowlege, wisdom, experience, adventure, adrenaline, and even more so I am hungrier to make it happen NOW.  I'm impatient.  I'm 20, it's understandable that I want to travel the world NOW, I want to start changing people's lives NOW, I want to be successful NOW.  At the same time, I want to find someone to love and love me back, NOW.  I can't though.

Time is a ball and chain.  Whats weird about time is that while it is a ball and chain slowing us down, it is also a propellant pushing us forward as moments rush past us... simultaneously.

Sometimes, being 20 years young sucks because I do not understand the concept of just HOW much time I have ahead of me.  Of course I could die at any moment and have no time left, but for the average person we have our whole lives ahead of us at 20. 

I live in Utah.  Utah is filled with Mormons.  Mormons graduate high school and get married to return missionaries and start having children.  The rest of us here in the state feel rushed and lonely because all of our old classmates and neighbors and friends are married and having children and starting their lives (more like ruining them but whatev).  We feel like we are being left behind, like we'll never find the "one".

When I find myself feeling that way sometimes I just have to remind myself that unfortunately society sucks.  We have a lot of growing to do, just because we are in Utah and everyone gets married and starts poppin' out kids right after high school doesn't mean its a smart idea, I need to be patient. I can't lower my bar just to accept more candidates in hopes I'll find him.  I need to keep my chin held high and my standards higher.

I need to pick a path.  I can't travel, and save the world, and have a stable family all once.  Those fantasies cannot coexist.  I like my two year plan.  I like the idea of re-evaluating my desires when I finish my associates. 

All in all, I need to stop overthinking and just take the advice I give.