The Human Spirit.

My poor little emotions are in overdrive today.  Sometimes, I just want to cry.  It's in those times that I need to remind myself of the truth in this reality. 

My brother is a brilliant man.  Bloody brilliant.  Not too long ago he said to me, "As much fluoride as they put in the water to dumb us down, as much GMO food they feed us, as much refined sugar we consume, as impoverished and ignorant that they make us. YOU CAN'T FUCK WITH THE HUMAN SPIRIT. We're beautiful."

We.

Are.

Beautiful.

Life can be rough.  It gets painful, and sad, and lonely.  We are an incredible species though.  The human mind inspires me.  With our strength, endurance, inventions, intelligence, spirituality, possibilities, humans are capable of anything we put our minds to.  This big magnificent magical world is absolutely astonishing, and we LIVE in it.  My brother inspires me.  He is a go-getter.  I am so immensely proud of the man he has grown into, and the growth he continues to strive towards.  He is the type of person who chose to educate himself.  Endless research, hours upon hours reading and listening and digging and learning.  I can say I try to educate myself and I read as much as I can.  I try, I really do, but I get side tracked, I get sleepy and lazy and uninterested at times.  I can't say that for him.  I enjoy trying to live up to his example. 


Myself, Aaron, and Andrea.

With my emotions in overdrive I sometimes get caught up in the little things, the insignificant things.  After all, Christmas is just another day.  Most people scarcely appreciate their family until Thanksgiving or Christmas roll around.  My family on the other hand.  We love, we talk, we share, we appreciate, we say the things that are sometimes hard to say.  Despite being without my family on Christmas, I felt their love.  "Sometimes, the people that are a thousand miles away from you can make you feel better than the people that are right beside you."

My brother Aaron decided he wanted to go to a meditation course in Brazil, he currently lives in Argentina.  At the drop of a hat he hitch hiked there.  I'm impressed with him.  That's the same motivation that Christopher Columbus had when he decided to sail to the other side of the world, and discovered the America's.  The same spark of "I'm going to do this" that Benjamin Franklin had when he decided to go out in a thunder storm with a kite!  The shining bright light that is within each of us should be worked towards. 

I took a page out of my brothers book, small, albeit lovely.  I took the Mayans advice on 12/21/2012 to live like there is no tomorrow, and I drove to Coronado, California.  Completely spur of the moment.  It was an incredible trip, and because of it I got to stand in the ocean and watch dolphins jump out of the water and swim about, playing, not even 100 feet from me. 

Life is great.

We.

Are.

Beautiful.

Fink.

I've been watching Lie To Me on Netflix.  A show about the science of reading facial expressions, body language, manipulators, macroexpressions and such.  I find it immensely fascinating.  Anywho, they played a song and it totally sparked something in me.  So I searched it.  I have officially discovered Fink.  I have found my new obsession.



Solitude - Serhatdemiroglu

When Fin sings, "The things that keep me alive, keep me alone."  I can relate.  It burned something in me, maybe that bit of sadness that always lurks with me in my solitude.  I care so passionately about so many things, things that most others seem to find so insignificant.  The things that keep me alive.

It keeps me alone. 

Reading, learning, exploring... these things keep me alive.  Being compassionate, donating, volunteering, hiking mountainsides, signing petitions... these things keep me alive.  Recycling, turning the water off while I brush my teeth or soap the dishes, turning lights off when they aren't in use... these things keep me alive.  I am outcasted because of it.  These things keep me alone. 

My dog is my happiness.  I am a proud momma, and humans have shown me the cycle of disappointment and unreliability.  I value my relationship with my dog more than most of my human relationships.  Long walks, fetch, cuddling, teaching new tricks... these things keep me alive, &they keep me alone. 

I'd love to change that, I can't sacrifice my priorities for possibilities though.  I can't put my self worth on pause for the small possibility that someone might stick around.  So I keep the things that keep me alive, even if it keeps me alone.

Contemplation - Guillermo Carballa

"The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind." -Albert Einstein.

If I'm Lost at Sea

I'm not to sure why this song impacted me so much.  I love the idea though.  Knowing that soon enough I will be off "going nowhere, but nowhere is somewhere to me."

That need to go, to flee, to run and jump, to experience and learn, meet new places, see new faces... It calls to me in .e.v.e.r.y. waking moment.

"Everyone, everywhere is taking their time but going no where,
I

can't

live

my

life

on

their

time
I just had to run away"

Everyday we wake up we go to work we go home we run our errands we get sucked into the endless soulsucking pit of the media... taking our time and going nowhere.  I can't do it.  It is as if my body physically rejects the idea.  I don't have a TV, I don't have an mp3 or an iPod, I recently had to buy a computer for school but I hated doing it.  I prefer to climb a tree and breath in the fresh air and enjoy the view from up there...

I can't live my life on their time.
I just have to run away.

"If I'm lost at sea,
Tell my mother, my father, my sisters, my brother,
My friends and my foes, and all my past lovers,
That I will miss them so.
But lord, I had to go."

Overthinking.

I am 20 years young and as I learn more I realize that Ralph W. Sockman was right when he said, "The larger the island of knowledge is, the longer the shoreline of wonder."

I'm thirsty for knowlege, wisdom, experience, adventure, adrenaline, and even more so I am hungrier to make it happen NOW.  I'm impatient.  I'm 20, it's understandable that I want to travel the world NOW, I want to start changing people's lives NOW, I want to be successful NOW.  At the same time, I want to find someone to love and love me back, NOW.  I can't though.

Time is a ball and chain.  Whats weird about time is that while it is a ball and chain slowing us down, it is also a propellant pushing us forward as moments rush past us... simultaneously.

Sometimes, being 20 years young sucks because I do not understand the concept of just HOW much time I have ahead of me.  Of course I could die at any moment and have no time left, but for the average person we have our whole lives ahead of us at 20. 

I live in Utah.  Utah is filled with Mormons.  Mormons graduate high school and get married to return missionaries and start having children.  The rest of us here in the state feel rushed and lonely because all of our old classmates and neighbors and friends are married and having children and starting their lives (more like ruining them but whatev).  We feel like we are being left behind, like we'll never find the "one".

When I find myself feeling that way sometimes I just have to remind myself that unfortunately society sucks.  We have a lot of growing to do, just because we are in Utah and everyone gets married and starts poppin' out kids right after high school doesn't mean its a smart idea, I need to be patient. I can't lower my bar just to accept more candidates in hopes I'll find him.  I need to keep my chin held high and my standards higher.

I need to pick a path.  I can't travel, and save the world, and have a stable family all once.  Those fantasies cannot coexist.  I like my two year plan.  I like the idea of re-evaluating my desires when I finish my associates. 

All in all, I need to stop overthinking and just take the advice I give.

Beginnings.

"Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad but its everything in between that makes it all worth living."

"When one door closes another one opens."

"Every beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

I'm trying to look at this as a new beginning, I can't negate my sadness though.
My ex-neighbor is moving... I'm not going to try too hard to explain that.  All in all, about 7 months ago I moved in next door to the most wonderful human being I've had the opportunity to share time with, one who brought color and electricity to my life.  He travels from one place to another every few months or so with his company which I knew from the start, and which is why we didn't get involved.  Well, he ended up moving from next door to about a mile or two down the road, hence the ex-neighbor.  We are more than friends, but we are less than lovers, so I haven't a clue as to what to refer to him as so I call him ex-neighbor.  In my mind I actually refer to him as my traveler...  I am going to miss him.  I refuse to say any emotions out loud, or even in my own mind, and I refuse to hear them.  It would be harder to hear his words resonating in my mind forever like wounded soldiers cries once we say goodbye.  He makes it sound as though we'll stay in contact, I'm not too confident in that.  He meets a lot of people, he goes many different places, and I don't expect to be another person on his pen pal list, either way it wouldn't be the same.  I hope he remembers where I am. <3  I wrote "Traveler" in August.  The only thing that has changed since I've written it is that I know he cares for me now, he's not pretending. &&Now it's over, as quickly as it began it is ending.

Lifestyle Changes

So, I'm a bit of a rollercoaster ride.  Maybe its the Taurus-Sagittarius in me.  Maybe I'm just a bit cookoo.  What really matters is that I am aware of it and I try to keep it under control.  I get depressed sometimes, though.  Mind fogging, heart drowning, gut twisting, lung draining depression that makes me about as useful as a screw with a stripped head.  My house gets dirty, so freaking dirty, my dishes pile up, my dirty laundry everywhere, I eat worse, I get less sunshine, and sometimes I even neglect to get my dog as much exercise as he deserves thus reducing my own exercise.  When I realize how awful my place looks is usually when I realize I need a slap in the face.  I'm alone though, no one is here to slap some sense into me.  My parents and siblings are in a different hemisphere, my friends couldn't care less to call, let alone come visit, and I'm all alone.  So I usually pop some popcorn and go back to my crumb filled bed and continue soaking in misery until I have to wake up in the morning for work and put my happy face on. 

My depression comes in bursts. 
Whats crazy about it is I am very well aware of the fact that sunshine causes changes in the hypothalamus which influences depression, eating healthy gives your brain the nutrition it needs to function properly which helps fight depression, exercising triggers endorphins to fight depression as well, and coming home to a clean house always feels good; especially if it smells good.  So, when I get into my bursts of depression, for whatever reason, my actions create a snowball effect trapping me in my misery and self loathing. 


“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low
self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact,
just surrounded by assholes.” ― William Gibson

Recently, I have been doing wonderfully, though.  I'm single, I've stayed single and am a staying single for the first time in almost 8 years that I've been single this long.  I finally let go of the men I had allowed my heart to cling to.  Chains and baggage finally dropped to the floor.  I've also released the tight hold I've had on my friends from Roy.  I realize that sometimes people are only supposed to be there for that time of your life, then you move on.  I'll still be here for them if they need me, but I am aware that they don't need me and its been refreshing to let go.  I've also been jogging and doing a quick work-out before work, taking my dog out on walks.  I'm starting school and still loving my job.  I'm doing great!  On Sunday Jack and I went to Liberty Park for the drum circle and people watched, it was amazing.  On top of things going well over all, I've been forcing myself to clean up and keep tidy each and every day.  I've even been flossing!  My nails are nicely painted bright red, and my eyebrows are tweezed.  I know that sounds silly, but taking care of myself helps keep my depression at bay for longer periods of time.  I have to keep it up.  &&I'm proud of myself.  Maybe I was "in fact, just surrounded by assholes" and I too was one of those assholes.  I pick on myself way too much.  I'm happy for these changes. 

I'm happy.

Golden Memories &&Skylines

Beautiful Golden Skylines

"Reading gives us a place to go when we have to stay where we are."

 

If I could go back to a single time of my life when I felt the most peace and acceptance in myself and of my own life, I would go back to a day in Falcon, Venezuela.  It was raining so hard it was as if the sky was falling.  I was sitting on the top bunk, just a few feet away from the zinc ceiling with an incense lit to repel what few bugs it could.  The bed stood apart from the walls to prevent even more bugs from climbing onto the bed. 

There were mosquitoes and moths flying around the light bulb mounted on the wall next to me, and I had a book propped open in front of me about a man's journey through the rain forest.  I was sitting in a tiny little cement walled house with slats for windows so bugs came and went as they pleased, and the rain pounded so loudly on the zinc above me that I could barely hear myself think.  I remember the overwhelming smell of nature and rain that I love, and I remember being couped up hundreds of miles away from anything even resembling a city, and I was with my family. 

The closest town to here is Corralito, Venezuela

Those were wonderful long days filled by passing time in the heat with my siblings and my parents.  We all helped work on the territory, though it was mostly my parents, we'd sit under the trees in the shade, playing scrabble and Nintendo 64 trying to save the princess from the castle.  I remember helping mommy sweep the ceilings, walls, and floors each and every day; and no matter what we'd have to do it again the next day.  Waking up each morning to a rooster crowing, birds chirping, and the room starting to heat up like an oven. 

I remember sweating and laughing and picking limes off of the lime tree, the baby goats across the fence made of long logs, they cried like human babies do.  I remember staring into the sky scraper trees and trying to count the different species that came and went, there were so many though.  Once, while daddy was out working on the land, he came across a baby lamb that was injured and suffering.  So he put it out of its misery with his machete and we made soup!  A big huge pot over a camp fire standing above the fire on cement bricks. 

I loved it there, I don't think I've ever been in a place that I love more.  Maybe it was being so surrounded by such undisturbed, breath taking beautiful nature, maybe it was being so isolated with no one but my siblings and parents that I so adore and enjoy.  Sharing jokes, and memories, voicing opinions and expanding ideas together.  Working together, and working hard.  We'd get sweaty, blistered, and our muscles worked  hard almost every day. 

The most adventurous day we had together was when we were building a fence.  My dad went around with a chain saw and cut down the thickest branches, we finished them off with a machete and made a huge pile.  Then, we each picked one of these heavy ass logs up, and walked for miles to where they needed to be put up.  We were so sore, and in pain, and itchy, oh my god so freaking itchy, but we felt so good when we got home.  Mom made some limeade, and we laughed together feeling accomplished. 

I guess what I loved most was the lifestyle, it made me appreciate the little things.  It rained more often than not and when it did, it poured.  Going out in the rain was like standing beneath a waterfall.  That specific rainy night though, I had time for me.  At times we felt shuttered in, isolated and stuck.  That night I got time to escape, I had time for the incense and the book, and the heavy thudding ear strumming rain while chillin' on a bunk bed away from all the walls to prevent bugs from getting in bed.  I felt like I was in a lone tower.  I think about it, and I remember the smells that surrounded me, and the emotion of being there. 

I wish I could go back. 

My handsome hero, Poppa Bear.

  

"Frugality is one of the most beautiful and joyful words in the English language, and yet one that we are culturally cut off from understanding and enjoying. The consumption society has made us feel that happiness lies in having things, and has failed to teach us the happiness of not having things." ~Elise Boulding