So excited about the new changes in my life. I love blogging about it, knowing I can look back and the progress I have made and be humbled by the things that have motivated me. The management at my work has actually realized that I am a blogger, and assigned me to be the blogger for my floor. That was definately a nice reward for doing what Im not supposed to do at work. Maybe they think I blog at home?
I havent quite established a realistic perspective upon my departure. It still feels like a dream but since Tuesday I had so much anxiety about the whole thing I had no idea what to do with myself. All of a sudden it was the 26th and I leave on the 2nd!! All of a sudden I have 3 days left of work and I have to move out of my house by Friday! All of a sudden I have to find someone to watch Jack. All of a sudden I have to get my hands on some car parts for my parents, I have to buy this and pick up that and "don't forget to bring" this and that and call this person arrange that and on top of it all I have to get a dress and outfit for my aunts birthday along with finishing up tidbits and tying loose ends. I havent seen my family in a year and Im so nervous to see them. I know Im distant, and out of the loop. Its frightening. Getting everything together as quickly as I can and efficiently too, I will be out of the country for 3 weeks I can't just pretend life will be on pause as much as I would like it to be.
I feel as though all of a sudden it isn't just me in this world working towards a goal. I had a strange occurance on saturday that kind of knocked me on my ass and gave me a reality check. I am advancing, and it isn't just me working towards a goal anymore. I have opened my eyes and found myself in the midst of a war between positive and negative.
Saturday I was on the train, met a man. Often times I meet men and often times they tell me how gorgeous I am. Its discomforting but I have been having it happen for as long as I can remember. Ive become neutral to the words. It is not a compliment, for my beauty is not skin deep and if thats all that is seen he or she is oblivious to me.
This man sitting behind me started up a conversation. I assume he had been overhearing my conversation with my brother over the phone for the majority of the train ride. I was speaking with Aaron, my brother, about my plans. Telling him about the importance of school to me. Not the importance of the paperwork stating that I finished school, but the knowledge I can attain from it, the wisdom it I can recieve. I was telling Aaron of my travels, humanitarian projects I want to take part in, and the reputation I want to make for myself during my college career. The man on the train started a conversation up after I hung up with my brother. We started up about his business that he runs. Apparently he helps lawers and doctors and such find jobs once they graduate. Has many connections.
.this.is.the.intense.part.
In the past I have given out my number or e-mail to strangers. As wreckless as it is I never had bad feelings about it or any consequences to face aside from not wanting to answer the phone. He has several connections with powerful people. He asked me how he can help me. He offered a helping hand to get me scholarships for schools or funding for projects. I walked away. I am still unsure if I walked away from an amazing opportunity, or from a terrible sidetrack. There was something different here, though. Every cell in my body was telling me that I needed to get away. I was intrigued and I hoped maybe he would be able to help. The train reached my destination and I stood to leave, he asked for my number. I told him no. He asked to give me his, I told him no.
"It was a pleasure meeting you, I enjoyed your conversation, have a wonderful day sir," I shook his hand and turned to leave. He wanted to stop me, he called out to me. He said "you didn't even.." and I was down the stairs swerving between faces colors sidewalk cracks and voices everywhere. I ducked behind a snack stand and vanished inside of the hub. My heart was racing and I was astonished at the violent emotions within me, the contradiction screaming in my ears and the wonder at just what had happened resounding and echoing in my bones. Something happened that day. Some sort of switch took place. I don't recall feeling his hand when I shook it and I am bewildered at that thought. It is no longer just me working towards a goal, I am quite sure now (as impossibly insane as it sounds) that I was a pawn in the war between positive and negative. The man was kind, he had a sweet smile and kept throwing the ball back up the stairs of the train to a small boy - a small boy that I never saw. There was something wrong though, and as I left him I couldn't help but wonder if I was walking away from a wonderful opportunity or a dangerous sidetrack. There was something off about the whole situation. Something different and something strongly driving me away from the man. I wan't to say his name was Rodger, but to be completly honest I can't remember. His face is one thing I will remember though. The experience was something I will never forget. A switch has taken place and I now realize it isn't just me working towards a goal now. I have actually entered into the war and now I am fighting it.
I have officially become a part of the bigger picture, and the universe is playing into it now.
So excited about the new changes in my life. I love blogging about it, knowing I can look back and the progress I have made and be humbled by the things that have motivated me.
I am not the only one involved in my movements, and telling by whatever helped trigger my instincts to get away immediately without pissing off my opposition I know I have help.
I can't help but wonder if the war is starting to strengthen.
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