.anticipation.

Anxious, antsy, excited.
Bubbly &nervous, curious &scared. I get to give my mother, father, brother, sister, and chihuahua Pinky a hug... in 25 days. Im scared to see them, theyve changed Ive changed theyve been living together they know their inside jokes, theyre up to date on the occurances in each others lives. When I show up I have stories about Tony, Jack, Pandro &my girls. They dont know my boyfriend, they dont know my dog, they dont know my house, they dont know my job, they dont even know what I look like. My hair has grown, I got my nose pierced, I changed my make up and eyebrow style, I'm skinnier, I have a tattoo. I swear as much as I used to &I'm so much more outgoing. What will it be like?
Momma wants me to move to Venezuela and work at the university my brother and sister found jobs at. She wants me to live with her and study and work.. She wants me to leave the life I have so painfully struggled to create over the past two years. &then what? What will I have there?

I miss my family. I love them. I would love to make my life a little easier and go play, get a ride to school to work and home everyday. Sleep in on the weekends and have momma bear cook for me.

I cant let Tony go though.. I cant risk losing him, &I cant bear to be without him. I wont leave him. I refuse to hurt him, &I refuse to deprive myself of that joy, that fulfillment. He is my heart &my soul &I will stand by him until the end of my days. Proudly.

So here is the plan.

April 30th I am leaving to Venezuela to spend 3 weeks with my family. I plan on sleeping in and staying up late and eating lots and laughing hard and smiling often and swimming and dancing and sweating and scratching mosquito bites and enjoying every minute of it. I plan to drink with my family and listen to Vallantos, I plan on crossing the El Puente Sobre el Lago (Maracaibo bridge) and watching the birds in the 800ft trees.. the tree size is the only overestimation.

May 20th I will get back on an airplane. I will cry, I will be torn and sad and wishing to stay. I will dread work the next day. I will meet Tony at the airport and cry, kiss him hug him tell him I love him and how much I missed him. I will return home with Tony that night. I will pet Pandro and Aros and laugh at them playing with one another. I will awake early the following morning look at my luggage and hurt, but I will smile and be grateful that I had the opportunity to witness my family's home first hand.

I will have gone 3 weeks with no pay. &I will struggle.


Plans. Get my license immedately after returning home. Get a car. Find a job closer to Tony's house. Move in with my love. Save up for school. I will start school in spring if all goes well. &as I study I will save up to open a business.. thats where my plans will begin.