Lifestyle Changes

So, I'm a bit of a rollercoaster ride.  Maybe its the Taurus-Sagittarius in me.  Maybe I'm just a bit cookoo.  What really matters is that I am aware of it and I try to keep it under control.  I get depressed sometimes, though.  Mind fogging, heart drowning, gut twisting, lung draining depression that makes me about as useful as a screw with a stripped head.  My house gets dirty, so freaking dirty, my dishes pile up, my dirty laundry everywhere, I eat worse, I get less sunshine, and sometimes I even neglect to get my dog as much exercise as he deserves thus reducing my own exercise.  When I realize how awful my place looks is usually when I realize I need a slap in the face.  I'm alone though, no one is here to slap some sense into me.  My parents and siblings are in a different hemisphere, my friends couldn't care less to call, let alone come visit, and I'm all alone.  So I usually pop some popcorn and go back to my crumb filled bed and continue soaking in misery until I have to wake up in the morning for work and put my happy face on. 

My depression comes in bursts. 
Whats crazy about it is I am very well aware of the fact that sunshine causes changes in the hypothalamus which influences depression, eating healthy gives your brain the nutrition it needs to function properly which helps fight depression, exercising triggers endorphins to fight depression as well, and coming home to a clean house always feels good; especially if it smells good.  So, when I get into my bursts of depression, for whatever reason, my actions create a snowball effect trapping me in my misery and self loathing. 


“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low
self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact,
just surrounded by assholes.” ― William Gibson

Recently, I have been doing wonderfully, though.  I'm single, I've stayed single and am a staying single for the first time in almost 8 years that I've been single this long.  I finally let go of the men I had allowed my heart to cling to.  Chains and baggage finally dropped to the floor.  I've also released the tight hold I've had on my friends from Roy.  I realize that sometimes people are only supposed to be there for that time of your life, then you move on.  I'll still be here for them if they need me, but I am aware that they don't need me and its been refreshing to let go.  I've also been jogging and doing a quick work-out before work, taking my dog out on walks.  I'm starting school and still loving my job.  I'm doing great!  On Sunday Jack and I went to Liberty Park for the drum circle and people watched, it was amazing.  On top of things going well over all, I've been forcing myself to clean up and keep tidy each and every day.  I've even been flossing!  My nails are nicely painted bright red, and my eyebrows are tweezed.  I know that sounds silly, but taking care of myself helps keep my depression at bay for longer periods of time.  I have to keep it up.  &&I'm proud of myself.  Maybe I was "in fact, just surrounded by assholes" and I too was one of those assholes.  I pick on myself way too much.  I'm happy for these changes. 

I'm happy.

Golden Memories &&Skylines

Beautiful Golden Skylines

"Reading gives us a place to go when we have to stay where we are."

 

If I could go back to a single time of my life when I felt the most peace and acceptance in myself and of my own life, I would go back to a day in Falcon, Venezuela.  It was raining so hard it was as if the sky was falling.  I was sitting on the top bunk, just a few feet away from the zinc ceiling with an incense lit to repel what few bugs it could.  The bed stood apart from the walls to prevent even more bugs from climbing onto the bed. 

There were mosquitoes and moths flying around the light bulb mounted on the wall next to me, and I had a book propped open in front of me about a man's journey through the rain forest.  I was sitting in a tiny little cement walled house with slats for windows so bugs came and went as they pleased, and the rain pounded so loudly on the zinc above me that I could barely hear myself think.  I remember the overwhelming smell of nature and rain that I love, and I remember being couped up hundreds of miles away from anything even resembling a city, and I was with my family. 

The closest town to here is Corralito, Venezuela

Those were wonderful long days filled by passing time in the heat with my siblings and my parents.  We all helped work on the territory, though it was mostly my parents, we'd sit under the trees in the shade, playing scrabble and Nintendo 64 trying to save the princess from the castle.  I remember helping mommy sweep the ceilings, walls, and floors each and every day; and no matter what we'd have to do it again the next day.  Waking up each morning to a rooster crowing, birds chirping, and the room starting to heat up like an oven. 

I remember sweating and laughing and picking limes off of the lime tree, the baby goats across the fence made of long logs, they cried like human babies do.  I remember staring into the sky scraper trees and trying to count the different species that came and went, there were so many though.  Once, while daddy was out working on the land, he came across a baby lamb that was injured and suffering.  So he put it out of its misery with his machete and we made soup!  A big huge pot over a camp fire standing above the fire on cement bricks. 

I loved it there, I don't think I've ever been in a place that I love more.  Maybe it was being so surrounded by such undisturbed, breath taking beautiful nature, maybe it was being so isolated with no one but my siblings and parents that I so adore and enjoy.  Sharing jokes, and memories, voicing opinions and expanding ideas together.  Working together, and working hard.  We'd get sweaty, blistered, and our muscles worked  hard almost every day. 

The most adventurous day we had together was when we were building a fence.  My dad went around with a chain saw and cut down the thickest branches, we finished them off with a machete and made a huge pile.  Then, we each picked one of these heavy ass logs up, and walked for miles to where they needed to be put up.  We were so sore, and in pain, and itchy, oh my god so freaking itchy, but we felt so good when we got home.  Mom made some limeade, and we laughed together feeling accomplished. 

I guess what I loved most was the lifestyle, it made me appreciate the little things.  It rained more often than not and when it did, it poured.  Going out in the rain was like standing beneath a waterfall.  That specific rainy night though, I had time for me.  At times we felt shuttered in, isolated and stuck.  That night I got time to escape, I had time for the incense and the book, and the heavy thudding ear strumming rain while chillin' on a bunk bed away from all the walls to prevent bugs from getting in bed.  I felt like I was in a lone tower.  I think about it, and I remember the smells that surrounded me, and the emotion of being there. 

I wish I could go back. 

My handsome hero, Poppa Bear.

  

"Frugality is one of the most beautiful and joyful words in the English language, and yet one that we are culturally cut off from understanding and enjoying. The consumption society has made us feel that happiness lies in having things, and has failed to teach us the happiness of not having things." ~Elise Boulding

You Gotta Keep Your Head Up!

On July 14th of 2009 I wrote a poem, that day I was hopeless and depressed. 

Say it
Fake it
Make the whole world believe your lies
Smile broadly
Enjoy your laugh
Hide your tears
Deny your past
Ignore your screaming thoughts at night
Pretend your safe in bed
This - today - is your new life
This is how it will remain.
-By Diana C Romay



I was unmovitaved with a hard heart and trying to accept what I was to endure.  Then when I came home to the US I began to strive towards something better and it has been such a slow and painful trek.  Often times I have felt like I'm standing still.  As though I've been in a row boat with one broken oar and trying to get to my destination going against the wind.  I've been pushed back multiple times.  Two years after my lonesome and treacherous journey began I finally got on my feet with an apartment and a car.  Now 3 full years after starting my journey I am finally starting school, which is what I have been working towards since the beginning. 
I'M STARTING SCHOOL!

Hoorah to milestones!  I'm so excited!  How long have I been freaking trying to make this happen?  I was so hopeless for this semester.  Then, WHABAM, IRA made a mistake and sent me a refund check thats going to cover my first STIL payment. :) Even better, I'm making my last 200$ monthly payment to StyleInc.  Meaning I will be able to pay the rest of my STIL payments no problem! I'M STARTING SCHOOL!  I'm doing it with MY money, without anyone's help.  I made it this far, I'm so much closer. 

Next step, graduating and opening a business to help me fund a library somewhere in the world.

The glow that the sun gives right around sunset helps me realize this is just a journey drop your worries, you are gonna turn out fine; But you gotta keep your head up!

We are not our mistakes.

"We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and future." -Steve Maraboli






Meditation by Frama

Last week, for some reason or another, it was call people out day.  Whats ironic about that, is I have no place to do so even if their trasngressions were directed at me.  I couldn't sleep that night because I kept going over and over again in my head second guessing myself, and wanting to continue to cling to people who really shouldn't be in my life.  

What I am sure of, is that it is entirely impossible to have problems with multiple people simultaneously without there being a problem within yourself.  I have said this to my friends on several occasions and now I have to realize that there is a problem lying within me.  I don't know what it is though, so I haven't any clue on what path to take to still this beast in me.  I am on the search though, I just want to be a better person.  I want to be "meek" &I am striving towards that.



Meditation by Poprage

Meek is strength under control.  Humility, humbleness, kindness, leadership, honestly, slow to anger, patient.  People mistake meek with weakness, and that is entirely false.   It is strength to think before you speak, act on what you believe, and refrain yourself when tempted. 

 In a sense, its mental and emotional power, immense power, subtract ego and pride because those who are meek treat others as equals and believe it.  They are even the best leaders without treating others as inferior.  I want to be meek, and judging by my outburst of anger last week I know I am far from that.  I am not my mistakes though, I am merely growing from my experiences.  I've learned from them and thus will refrain from repeating them.  A mistake is different from deliberate decisions that are later regretted.  I know that. 
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.  As far as the think side goes, that correlates with my beliefs and I need to tweak my actions to be more in tune with my beliefs.  Or should I say ideas, for they are always changing.  Lets see where life takes me.   

Pick Me Up

Its amazing what some coffee and www.calm.com can do for you.  So, payday was today and money runs out tuesday but all my bills are covered and I should have gas and food till next payday.   No, I don't have a cent left to spare but I am going to be okay. 

The day before yesterday I put 4 dollars of gas in my car to make sure I could get to work until today, all because of some financial surprises and having to come up with 300 bucks outta nowhere, ouch.  I hate surprises, and I can't wait until next month when I should finally have some money left over after bills that way I don't have to make minimum payments on my credit, YAY!  Once its all paid off I hope to be free.  Well, after balancing my budget, paying all of my start of the month bills, and determining I can finally get my car fixed and not have to stress anymore, my mind was fog.  I was blurry eyed and stressed and hating that I'm not even living paycheck to paycheck, I'm living paycheck to tuesday!  Shitty deal, but then I remembered www.calm.com, so I snagged me some coffee and watched river flowing for about 10 minutes with the soothing music, then I watched a sunset on a lake for another 10 minutes and I feel so rejouvinated.  A reminder that although I live in society temporarily, I am more than that.  I am a part of this planet, I am a part of nature.  Sometimes you just have to remember that this life is made up of more than the materialistic world, I suck at that. 

I tend to get caught up in worry about making ends meet and if I'm gonna eat next week, how fast my cars going to get paid off and whether I'll be able to get back into school so I can have a better future.  The reality of it is though, thinking about all that other crap makes me forget about today.  Forget about breathing in deep and being grateful for all I've accomplished, all the things I do have, and for the beautiful stars that come out at night and the wind in the trees while colors light up the sunset sky, and the ducks in the river outside of my home.  I'm glad I discovered this website, sometimes I just need a pick me up while I'm stuck behind expensive furniture granite desk top and glass windows. 

I've quoted this before, but Jack Johnson really has it spot on.  "The wisdom's in the trees not the glass windows."

Oh how I love this man.  Thank you for your contribution Jack. <3

Letting Go.

If you are reading this it means you have access to a computer and you probably live in society (why they call it civilized is beyond me, those they call "primitive" are far more civilized).  If that is a fact, then you can probably agree that people are what mostly make up of our world, our reality.  I had a friend ask me if it is worth it to keep fighting for someone because of all of the history shared together, despite the pain, anger and frustration they cause in present day.  I responded to her:

"What do you want your life to consist of? People always talk about not wanting drama, and theres no room for shady people in my life... We all need to realize that the people in your life are there because we PUT them there. If there is someone bringing you down its time to decide to cut them out. Consider the reasons they were in it to begin with. When it comes down to it, cherish the memories; if things aren't happy though, why are you going to waste any more time with them? Life goes on, fill it with joy. I have had to do it before and in all reality keeping someone negative around for years causes a lot more pain than the heart-wrenching gut-tearing months of eliminating them. And who knows, maybe after ignoring them for 3 months they'll buck the fuck up and learn to respect how valuable you are and start treating you right.  Right?"

I cut a friend out of my life.  I thought to myself, a friend isn't someone who has ulterior motives, he isn't someone who picks and chooses words he wants to hear out of your sentences. A friend isn't someone who doesn't take into consideration your emotions because they get in the way of his wants. &&A friend is ESPECIALLY not someone who belittles your goals and pulls you down to his level. Its time to let go...

Well you'd think so.  For some reason there are a those particular people you just can't let go though.  Humans as a whole can't sincerely live happily without others in our lives, and we tend to fear being alone, because of this genetic flaw... letting go is difficult.  I have a friend always telling me how impossible it is that I will change the world.  I'm sick of people telling me I can't change the world. Maybe I can't, but maybe I can do a little bit and eventually all of those little bits change the world for a few somebody's who can also do a little bit.  I got really sick of him belittling my inspirations and motivation.  I tried to cut him out.  I mean, we always argue, we butt heads on everything, we dispute about what we believe in and stand for, we have a hundred reasons not to be friends.  I cut him out.  I stopped texting back, I quit answering phone calls, I avoided him to the best of my ability and after recieving 7 texts in a row I told him to lose my number.  Shortly after that is when my other friend asked me if its worth it to keep fighting for someone.  Then I thought about it.  Then I soaked in it.  Then I called him.
I can't cut someone out when I enjoy them, even a piece of them.  &&The heart-wrenching gut-tearing months of eliminating them aren't worth losing him, or the laughter he brings into my life, or the kick into shape he gives me when I'm down in the dumps, or knowing I can count on him over anyone in the world he'd come rescue me.  His presence in my life doesn't cause enough pain or suffering or anger to make losing him worth it.  Ending a friendship really is something to think about... So I called him.  Fkkn Frazee.  I still want to punch him in the face, but I called him because I know that if he needs me I'll be there, and I know if I need him he'll be there. 

Calm.com

“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.” – Lao Tzu



Moraine Lake, Canada -Bored Panda

I went to www.calm.com today.  I loved it.  My first scene was a sunset over the ocean.  I sat there for two minutes and listened to the waves and played with my imagination.  The motionless seagulls from the image took flight, the waves crashed on my feet.  I wiggled my toes in the sand and formed shapes in the clouds.  My second scene was a green field with waist high grass waving in the wind with a bright blue sky.  I wish I was there to run around, crouch under the plant life pretending to be a predator.  Cartwheels in tall grass are the most simple and precious adventure a person can have as lush greenery brushes your face in a whisp of upsidedown fun. 

I need to get out of here.  I need to get away from technology and cars and glass windows and concrete and fast food and brand names and magazines and cell phones and light bulbs and all that other useless crap.  Its nothing but a filler and it blinds us from this world.  Human's are the only species that pays to live on this planet.  I need to escape.  I know how to do it.  I am completely capable of just getting up and going, seeing oceans and seas and lakes and mountains and rivers and waterfalls.  I can scubadive and skydive and cliff jump.  I can eat dinner off of a campfire and witness wildlife more intimately.  I can do it, I know how! 

I am not brave enough though, I fear failure.  I fear being in my old age and someone having to take care of me.  I fear that if I take the leap and I start to travel and actually LIVE my life, what if something happens?  What if I get sick and I don't have insurance because I am a free agent?  What if I get stuck somewhere dangerous and I don't have a means to get out of there?  What if I fall in love and start a family and have absolutely no means of supporting my children because I traveled instead of studied? 

What if I enjoy every moment of it, fall in love with the lifestyle, and live free?

I want to see these places firsthand.

"The wisdom's in the tree's not the glass windows." -Jack Johnson

I am so immensely torn, being pulled two, even three, completely different directions! It brings tears to my eyes, what the hell do I do!?


Plitvice, Croatia -Bored Panda



Carerra Lake -Bored Panda

 “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.” – Mark Twain

“There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign.” – Robert Louis Stevenson



Phi Phi Islands, Thailand -Bored Panda

“All travel has its advantages. If the passenger visits better countries, he may learn to improve his own. And if fortune carries him to worse, he may learn to enjoy it.” – Samuel Johnson

“When we get out of the glass bottle of our ego and when we escape like the squirrels in the cage of our personality and get into the forest again, we shall shiver with cold and fright. But things will happen to us so that we don’t know ourselves. Cool, unlying life will rush in.” – D. H. Lawrence

“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” – Freya Stark


Iceland -Bored Panda

“To my mind, the greatest reward and luxury of travel is to be able to experience everyday things as if for the first time, to be in a position in which almost nothing is so familiar it is taken for granted.” – Bill Bryson

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” – Mark Twain  (I think I may prefer to travel alone.)



Machu Picchu, Peru -Bored Panda

“Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quiestest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.” – Pat Conroy

“Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.” – Maya Angelou

“What you’ve done becomes the judge of what you’re going to do – especially in other people’s minds. When you’re traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don’t have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.” – William Least Heat Moon



Pamukkale, Turkey -Bored Panda

“I soon realized that no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within.” – Lillian Smith

“Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” – Mark Jenkins




Santorini, Greece -Bored Panda

How on gods green earth am I supposed to overcome my fears and spread my wings?