Disappointment is Worse!

How do you want to see things?

"What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?" - Oriah, Mountain Dreamer (From her second book The Dance).

I've posted before about how my depression sends me in to a downward spiral of habits that reinforce my depression.  Since that post I have unfortunately stopped jogging, my nail polish is chipped, I haven't been to a drum circle in too long, instead of studying now I decided to save money so I can move to Argentina and study there instead of starting my Spring semester &all in all I'm not living up to the lifestyle changes I would like to devote myself to. 

The thing about the downward spiral of depression is that it feels good.  When you are depressed it feels good to sleep, to avoid human contact, to listen to depressing music, to skip meals, &everything else that just keeps you depressed.  I guess that's the catch-22 about it all.  It feels good to feed your depression.  Good in all the wrong ways.

In the long run, is it worth it?  Is it worth it to feed your depression to find the small comfort there is in cradling your wounds?  Of course the answer is no.  It's never worth it, because in a few months when you start coming back to yourself and you look at the past few months of uselessness, you kinda hate yourself.  You hate that your not living up to who you know you really are.  Grades drop, weight is gained (or dropped), the reputation of your work ethic has tainted, and it all feels awful.

Being disappointed in yourself is so much worse than just making the decision to get out of your slump, and feel like shit all day but still be productive and work hard.  Yes, the day will be shitty.  Yes, you will want to just climb back into you cave.  Yes, you won't be enthusiastic and innovative but AT LEAST YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING.  Anything.

Try something different, something new.  Although it is the LAST thing you want to do... you should.  Maybe you should just LITERALLY slap yourself and feel the sharpness on your cheek to remind yourself that this moment is happening.  Time is passing you by, and no one can do anything about it but you.

Who gives a crap if you feel bad?  If no one else gives a crap about how you feel, no one else wants to be there for you while you soak in your depression, &no one else cares about the consequences you will face; why on gods green earth will you let yourself face the punishment of slacking to cater your aching sadness?  You have to have hope.  This reality is what you make of it. <3

Lifestyle Changes

So, I'm a bit of a rollercoaster ride.  Maybe its the Taurus-Sagittarius in me.  Maybe I'm just a bit cookoo.  What really matters is that I am aware of it and I try to keep it under control.  I get depressed sometimes, though.  Mind fogging, heart drowning, gut twisting, lung draining depression that makes me about as useful as a screw with a stripped head.  My house gets dirty, so freaking dirty, my dishes pile up, my dirty laundry everywhere, I eat worse, I get less sunshine, and sometimes I even neglect to get my dog as much exercise as he deserves thus reducing my own exercise.  When I realize how awful my place looks is usually when I realize I need a slap in the face.  I'm alone though, no one is here to slap some sense into me.  My parents and siblings are in a different hemisphere, my friends couldn't care less to call, let alone come visit, and I'm all alone.  So I usually pop some popcorn and go back to my crumb filled bed and continue soaking in misery until I have to wake up in the morning for work and put my happy face on. 

My depression comes in bursts. 
Whats crazy about it is I am very well aware of the fact that sunshine causes changes in the hypothalamus which influences depression, eating healthy gives your brain the nutrition it needs to function properly which helps fight depression, exercising triggers endorphins to fight depression as well, and coming home to a clean house always feels good; especially if it smells good.  So, when I get into my bursts of depression, for whatever reason, my actions create a snowball effect trapping me in my misery and self loathing. 


“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low
self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact,
just surrounded by assholes.” ― William Gibson

Recently, I have been doing wonderfully, though.  I'm single, I've stayed single and am a staying single for the first time in almost 8 years that I've been single this long.  I finally let go of the men I had allowed my heart to cling to.  Chains and baggage finally dropped to the floor.  I've also released the tight hold I've had on my friends from Roy.  I realize that sometimes people are only supposed to be there for that time of your life, then you move on.  I'll still be here for them if they need me, but I am aware that they don't need me and its been refreshing to let go.  I've also been jogging and doing a quick work-out before work, taking my dog out on walks.  I'm starting school and still loving my job.  I'm doing great!  On Sunday Jack and I went to Liberty Park for the drum circle and people watched, it was amazing.  On top of things going well over all, I've been forcing myself to clean up and keep tidy each and every day.  I've even been flossing!  My nails are nicely painted bright red, and my eyebrows are tweezed.  I know that sounds silly, but taking care of myself helps keep my depression at bay for longer periods of time.  I have to keep it up.  &&I'm proud of myself.  Maybe I was "in fact, just surrounded by assholes" and I too was one of those assholes.  I pick on myself way too much.  I'm happy for these changes. 

I'm happy.