Pick Me Up

Its amazing what some coffee and www.calm.com can do for you.  So, payday was today and money runs out tuesday but all my bills are covered and I should have gas and food till next payday.   No, I don't have a cent left to spare but I am going to be okay. 

The day before yesterday I put 4 dollars of gas in my car to make sure I could get to work until today, all because of some financial surprises and having to come up with 300 bucks outta nowhere, ouch.  I hate surprises, and I can't wait until next month when I should finally have some money left over after bills that way I don't have to make minimum payments on my credit, YAY!  Once its all paid off I hope to be free.  Well, after balancing my budget, paying all of my start of the month bills, and determining I can finally get my car fixed and not have to stress anymore, my mind was fog.  I was blurry eyed and stressed and hating that I'm not even living paycheck to paycheck, I'm living paycheck to tuesday!  Shitty deal, but then I remembered www.calm.com, so I snagged me some coffee and watched river flowing for about 10 minutes with the soothing music, then I watched a sunset on a lake for another 10 minutes and I feel so rejouvinated.  A reminder that although I live in society temporarily, I am more than that.  I am a part of this planet, I am a part of nature.  Sometimes you just have to remember that this life is made up of more than the materialistic world, I suck at that. 

I tend to get caught up in worry about making ends meet and if I'm gonna eat next week, how fast my cars going to get paid off and whether I'll be able to get back into school so I can have a better future.  The reality of it is though, thinking about all that other crap makes me forget about today.  Forget about breathing in deep and being grateful for all I've accomplished, all the things I do have, and for the beautiful stars that come out at night and the wind in the trees while colors light up the sunset sky, and the ducks in the river outside of my home.  I'm glad I discovered this website, sometimes I just need a pick me up while I'm stuck behind expensive furniture granite desk top and glass windows. 

I've quoted this before, but Jack Johnson really has it spot on.  "The wisdom's in the trees not the glass windows."

Oh how I love this man.  Thank you for your contribution Jack. <3

Letting Go.

If you are reading this it means you have access to a computer and you probably live in society (why they call it civilized is beyond me, those they call "primitive" are far more civilized).  If that is a fact, then you can probably agree that people are what mostly make up of our world, our reality.  I had a friend ask me if it is worth it to keep fighting for someone because of all of the history shared together, despite the pain, anger and frustration they cause in present day.  I responded to her:

"What do you want your life to consist of? People always talk about not wanting drama, and theres no room for shady people in my life... We all need to realize that the people in your life are there because we PUT them there. If there is someone bringing you down its time to decide to cut them out. Consider the reasons they were in it to begin with. When it comes down to it, cherish the memories; if things aren't happy though, why are you going to waste any more time with them? Life goes on, fill it with joy. I have had to do it before and in all reality keeping someone negative around for years causes a lot more pain than the heart-wrenching gut-tearing months of eliminating them. And who knows, maybe after ignoring them for 3 months they'll buck the fuck up and learn to respect how valuable you are and start treating you right.  Right?"

I cut a friend out of my life.  I thought to myself, a friend isn't someone who has ulterior motives, he isn't someone who picks and chooses words he wants to hear out of your sentences. A friend isn't someone who doesn't take into consideration your emotions because they get in the way of his wants. &&A friend is ESPECIALLY not someone who belittles your goals and pulls you down to his level. Its time to let go...

Well you'd think so.  For some reason there are a those particular people you just can't let go though.  Humans as a whole can't sincerely live happily without others in our lives, and we tend to fear being alone, because of this genetic flaw... letting go is difficult.  I have a friend always telling me how impossible it is that I will change the world.  I'm sick of people telling me I can't change the world. Maybe I can't, but maybe I can do a little bit and eventually all of those little bits change the world for a few somebody's who can also do a little bit.  I got really sick of him belittling my inspirations and motivation.  I tried to cut him out.  I mean, we always argue, we butt heads on everything, we dispute about what we believe in and stand for, we have a hundred reasons not to be friends.  I cut him out.  I stopped texting back, I quit answering phone calls, I avoided him to the best of my ability and after recieving 7 texts in a row I told him to lose my number.  Shortly after that is when my other friend asked me if its worth it to keep fighting for someone.  Then I thought about it.  Then I soaked in it.  Then I called him.
I can't cut someone out when I enjoy them, even a piece of them.  &&The heart-wrenching gut-tearing months of eliminating them aren't worth losing him, or the laughter he brings into my life, or the kick into shape he gives me when I'm down in the dumps, or knowing I can count on him over anyone in the world he'd come rescue me.  His presence in my life doesn't cause enough pain or suffering or anger to make losing him worth it.  Ending a friendship really is something to think about... So I called him.  Fkkn Frazee.  I still want to punch him in the face, but I called him because I know that if he needs me I'll be there, and I know if I need him he'll be there. 

Calm.com

“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.” – Lao Tzu



Moraine Lake, Canada -Bored Panda

I went to www.calm.com today.  I loved it.  My first scene was a sunset over the ocean.  I sat there for two minutes and listened to the waves and played with my imagination.  The motionless seagulls from the image took flight, the waves crashed on my feet.  I wiggled my toes in the sand and formed shapes in the clouds.  My second scene was a green field with waist high grass waving in the wind with a bright blue sky.  I wish I was there to run around, crouch under the plant life pretending to be a predator.  Cartwheels in tall grass are the most simple and precious adventure a person can have as lush greenery brushes your face in a whisp of upsidedown fun. 

I need to get out of here.  I need to get away from technology and cars and glass windows and concrete and fast food and brand names and magazines and cell phones and light bulbs and all that other useless crap.  Its nothing but a filler and it blinds us from this world.  Human's are the only species that pays to live on this planet.  I need to escape.  I know how to do it.  I am completely capable of just getting up and going, seeing oceans and seas and lakes and mountains and rivers and waterfalls.  I can scubadive and skydive and cliff jump.  I can eat dinner off of a campfire and witness wildlife more intimately.  I can do it, I know how! 

I am not brave enough though, I fear failure.  I fear being in my old age and someone having to take care of me.  I fear that if I take the leap and I start to travel and actually LIVE my life, what if something happens?  What if I get sick and I don't have insurance because I am a free agent?  What if I get stuck somewhere dangerous and I don't have a means to get out of there?  What if I fall in love and start a family and have absolutely no means of supporting my children because I traveled instead of studied? 

What if I enjoy every moment of it, fall in love with the lifestyle, and live free?

I want to see these places firsthand.

"The wisdom's in the tree's not the glass windows." -Jack Johnson

I am so immensely torn, being pulled two, even three, completely different directions! It brings tears to my eyes, what the hell do I do!?


Plitvice, Croatia -Bored Panda



Carerra Lake -Bored Panda

 “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.” – Mark Twain

“There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign.” – Robert Louis Stevenson



Phi Phi Islands, Thailand -Bored Panda

“All travel has its advantages. If the passenger visits better countries, he may learn to improve his own. And if fortune carries him to worse, he may learn to enjoy it.” – Samuel Johnson

“When we get out of the glass bottle of our ego and when we escape like the squirrels in the cage of our personality and get into the forest again, we shall shiver with cold and fright. But things will happen to us so that we don’t know ourselves. Cool, unlying life will rush in.” – D. H. Lawrence

“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” – Freya Stark


Iceland -Bored Panda

“To my mind, the greatest reward and luxury of travel is to be able to experience everyday things as if for the first time, to be in a position in which almost nothing is so familiar it is taken for granted.” – Bill Bryson

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” – Mark Twain  (I think I may prefer to travel alone.)



Machu Picchu, Peru -Bored Panda

“Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quiestest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.” – Pat Conroy

“Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.” – Maya Angelou

“What you’ve done becomes the judge of what you’re going to do – especially in other people’s minds. When you’re traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don’t have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.” – William Least Heat Moon



Pamukkale, Turkey -Bored Panda

“I soon realized that no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within.” – Lillian Smith

“Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” – Mark Jenkins




Santorini, Greece -Bored Panda

How on gods green earth am I supposed to overcome my fears and spread my wings?

Simplicity.

I just need a rocking chair instead..

I have a pretty simple life.  I do have depression, social anxiety, ADD, and mild OCD though so I tend to make things complicated for myself; that and the fact that I am a Taurus-Saggitarius (ugh).  I like simplicity though, I have a welcome sign on my door that says "simple pleasures" that I picked up from an antique shop one day while waiting for the next bus.  I love antique shops.  So many simple things in there that are so filled with such precious beauty, like an old rocking chair.  Its old and battered, but I like to use my imagination with it.  Did it rock a child to sleep in its new home?  Did an old couple have matching ones that they held hands in as they watched the sunset?  An antique shop is like, recycled memories that you get a chance to continue.  Simplicity. I've been thinking, how can I simplify my life?  I've been kind of in a rut where I won't be able to actually feel that pride of reaching a milestone because my milestones are at least a few months out of reach.  In the meantime, I need something to give my soul some nutrition.  I'm thinking I want to start a garden in my apartment.  I have been yearning for a yard with flowers and grass and a small permaculture farm.  I live in an apartment though, but I did find out there are some vegetables and herbs that can be grown indoors and luckily enough I have a south facing window!  TLC has a list of 66 things that can be grown indoors.  I need to go to an antique shop, pick out a rocking chair, get some green in my house and rock to the stories playing in my head from a good book breathing in freshness.  Yeah, I think that'll do the trick.


"Frugality is one of the most beautiful and joyful words in the English language, and yet one that we are culturally cut off from understanding and enjoying. The consumption society has made us feel that happiness lies in having things, and has failed to teach us the happiness of not having things." ~Elise Boulding

"We all die, the goal is not to live forever; the goal is to create something that will." -Chuck Palahniuk

Sometimes I panic thinking about the death of my parents or siblings.  I can't live without them, this world will SUCK if they aren't in it.  They really are a phenomenal contribution to the human species, all four of them.  For some reason I don't worry about my own death, I find comfort in it really.  Maybe it's because I work hard each and every day I try to grow as a person whether it be emotionally mentally spiritually or physically I try to do something productive each day.  Aside from that I consider myself to be a good person, nice to others, and honest.  So if I was to die I'd die comfortably knowing I did my best on this planet and now its time to rest.  I don't believe in heaven, or an after life of any sort.  I am happy about that though, until I think about my loved ones and that is when I understand why religion has made "heaven" to soothe the souls of mourners.  All we can really do here though, is create something that will stay behind when we cease.  In my parents case, they left their awesome genes behind, they make some amazing babies!  They raised us right, and each of us are really motivated to make a difference in this world.  My parents have succeeded and they too are still striving each day to reach new heights.  In my case..I want to travel, builds schools and libraries, publish books on other cultures, spread knowledge and maybe inspire peace.   On top of that, I want to publish my family's story. 

I just want a witness..

"There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you." – Maya Angelou.

I love witnessing the lives of others.  I feel that I ask a million questions and I sincerely care for details on the response, what it felt like, what they thought, what the surrounding environment looked like...  I do that.  I try to be the witness of the lives of those close to me, mostly my mother's life and my best friend Kyndra.  I wish I had a life partner though, a true love romance where I was passionate and together we were a team making logical decisions based on what would be the best for our future, if we were to have offspring's future, and of course what contribution we could make to society together.  I want a love that motivates me to take care of myself as much as I want to take care of my partner.  I do feel that agony that Maya refers to, because I dont think anyone listens, observes, and absorbs your story quite like a lover does.  I have an untold story, is anybody listening? 

"Always concentrate on how far you have come, rather than how far you have left to go. The difference in how easy it seems will amaze you." - Heidi Johnson.

Maybe I'm just a little too much for anyone to handle. <3

Rejouvination.

I recently discovered through GreenPeace a remarkable artist by the name of Jason deCaires Taylor. I'm literally in awe of this man's work. He has created maginificant statues representing humanity; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Not only has he managed to be creative, innovative, and moving with his artwork... its under water!   His intention is to draw people away from fragile natural coral reefs and instead be drawn to his artwork which is meant to act as artificial reefs in hopes to attract corals to support more marine life and provide space for natural rejouvination. 

©Jason deCaires Taylor

©Jason deCaires Taylor

©Jason deCaires Taylor

©Jason deCaires Taylor

©Jason deCaires Taylor

I love this world.  I love our planet, I love the intelligence of the human species and the beautiful things we are capable of.  I love the cultures we create, the words we string together, the images we invent.  I love the human mind.  It is painful to see the horrendous things that small minded people can create, though.  &&Unfortunately the greedy, the stingy, and the selfish are the ones with the talent for manipulating society into following in their path of destructin.  When I see a positive movement as phenomenal as this one I get more hope for the human race.  I get excited about doing something as monumental one day.  Lets stop doubting ourselves and just fix this planet, yeah?