It constantly depresses me that we have to die. No one can escape it. It scares me that time is passing me by and babies become children, children become adults, and adults become elderly - if they're lucky. I don't even get to witness most of the people I love grow and age because I'm too busy rushing to make a better future for myself and my future family. I am busting my ass day after week after month after year. Most days I wake up and it all feels like its for nothing. Maybe it is for nothing. Maybe I don't even make it, or maybe the world goes to shit, or maybe I stop being such a pussy and I actually go out there and start living my dreams traveling the world. But maybe the world doesn't go to shit, and maybe I wake up one day worse off than I've ever been because I failed at accomplishing my heart's desire. Maybe being miserable and running in the rat race will help me secure a stable home. Or maybe I'll get this pathetic document stating I was foolish enough to stay on the rigid line of institutionalized education for long enough to be more "valuable" to our dumbed down vegetable headed society. Maybe I'll just die and I won't have to think about it anymore. Maybe along the way I'll learn why reason as to WHY I exist. Most people have their children, or their lover, or their passion, or the people they help on a dialy basis and THAT is THEIR why. Why they wake up in the mornings, why they just do things instead of procrastinating, why they are happy about the life that they live. Maybe some day I'll be happy, or passionate in my heart not just my mind, maybe someday I'll have someone to share it all with. When it all gets boiled down it doesn't matter. Even though we all die, I can't quit. Because whoever I leave alive will have to deal with my loss. It depresses me how much I miss those I've lost. It depresses me how much I'm going to miss the ones I'll lose. It depresses me that I'll cause sadness when I go. It depresses me to see the sadness in people when someone they loved passes. I really wish we could just stay together. Sometimes I wish I could believe in God - because then there would be a heaven, without depression, where we wouldn't have to die. It depresses me that I don't believe that.
All together it makes it really hard to get up in the morning. I keep telling myself that my "why" is to have a better future. What if I get to that "better" future.... and I still feel miserable every day. That is more than depressing, its terrifying. I am terrified. Day after Week after Month after Year.
What happened along the way?
Blended souls
Minds at bay
Walls built up
Hearts torn down
Oaths are words
Clashing frowns
I'm the one you tell all your fears to
Can't you see just how I need you?
Watching you, from another world
Telescopes, smiles burst
Deep blue eyes
Can't look inside
Left behind
Reaching through,
Bars separate us from the truth
Reaching through
I can't reach you
There'll never be enough of us
Ashes - dust - clouds of smoke
Planets crumbling
We could cope
Side by side - building up
we could change it all
Potential lit like moons on snow
Everywhere our souls be told
Everyone would know
There'll never be enough of us
I'm not the one you tell all your fears to
I'm not the one you tell a thing at all
Sadness seeps 10 layers deep
I understand your secrets keep
I can't reach you
So sadness seeps 10 layers deep
Red is on my hands.
I'm living my life as if curled in fetal position. Immensely defensive, and so sad. Life is just passing me by as I float. Like my presence is hardly noted. The decisions I make I make because of the sheer fact that I am still inhaling and exhaling. I know what I want in my life, and I'm working towards it, numbly. I wake up to my alarms, I get presentable for work, and I smile I laugh I joke and I do my best to participate. I'm not really invisible, I'm not really lost. All these faces, swarming past me... watch me fall apart. Why can't I just be healthy?
I just want someone to hold me. Tell me I'll be alright. Witness me. I swear I'm here... I really am... why can't anyone see me?
If my hands could hold them you'd see
I'd take all these secrets in me
And I'd move and mold them to be
Something I'd set free
Sometimes I just need to start fresh. Like a factory reset to my lifestyle. Over the weekend I woke up early and emptied all of my drawers and re-organized them. I cleaned my room, then rearranged it. I got a wooden framed chicken-wire board and removed every last staple and nail (the lady who made it did a VERY bad job, it was really just a safety hazard). Then I painted it, and nailed it together. Now I just have to hang it and stick all my jewelry/accessories on it.
I got Jack's hip x-rayed and as it turns out the pain hes been having isn't from a screw in his hip coming loose. He hasn't even been needing a light exercise summer. Turns out he had a whole different surgery called a femoral head ostectomy, so basically they replaced the ball of his hip joint. The pain is coming from scar tissue and the best thing I can do is continue giving him good exercise and just serving him pain medication as needed.
I've purchased my plane ticket to visit my family in Venezuela, I am BEYOND stoked to give my parents a tight embrace and spend some quality time together at last. I did my research, checked NADA guides, KBB, CarFax, FuelEconmy.gov, read reviews, got pre-approved for my loan, had a quote ready and waiting with my insurance company, and after test driving a made a great decision and got a wonderful deal on a Subaru Legacy thats in tip-top condition. I'm very satisfied. Now its time to get my school set up and ready for when I return from Venezuela. I also have to arrange dog-sitting for Jack while I am abroad.
I feel I am juggling a million things. I haven't even been to Capoeira in a month. Busy busy busy, my plate is full and my heart has been weighed because of all I have on my mind and on my to-do list.
Today I started Jack's 2-a-day walks so I awoke a full hour prior to my regular schedule after falling asleep late getting loose ends tied. I had time to curl my hair and decided to wear a dress and some bright red lipstick to start the week right. A self-revolution.
Too much going on inside of me and I need to slow down. Listening to Sara Bareilles on repeat has been so soothing. On the walk this morning it came on and in the darkness looking over the beautiful city at my feet from the heights of the mountainside I was singing full heartedly to "Let The Rain". She couldn't have said it any better. I'm glad I am in therapy, otherwise I would still feel lost. At least now I feel that I am on the right path going somewhere. I don't know where, or who I'll be when I come out on the other side... but I am doing my best and being my best.
I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city Then I'd make it behave
And if I were fearless
Then I'd speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That's what I wish I'd do, yeah
If my hands could hold them you'd see I'd take all these secrets in me And I'd move and mold them to be Something I'd set free
I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough I want the water in my eyes I want to cry until the end of time
I want to let the rain come down <3 Make a brand new ground <3
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight
I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice
And I always felt it before That the world was filled with much more Than the drowning soul I've learned to be I just need the rain to remind me
Kid Cudi came to visit Salt Lake City last night for a twilight concert, and it was ridiculously packed. It rained, HARD. It was actually pretty amazing, standing in the crowd as he sang "Just to show the kids they ain't the only ones who up at night. The moon will illuminate my room and soon I'm consumed by my doom" and the rain just poured over me. I was drenched, swaying with the crowd. All of us, together, felt it when he sang.
"I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right"
Isn't it kind of crazy thinking about how other people live their lives and they are fully and entirely different from yourself, but can connect so profoundly from the lyrics of one man. &That ONE man who has his own experiences and thoughts is standing on a stage not too far from us, has no idea how he has influenced each of us on individual levels. I will never meet Kid Cudi, he will never know about the songs on repeat that touched and comforted my soul on various days.
"If I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest
If I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets"
How can a crowd so packed have so much in common with each other? We don't know each other. I think its a bit of a mind fuck. Like the pictures of big crowded cities where you can see people walking right past each other and they don't know they are being photographed. What were each of them thinking in that moment, how did they feel, and how did they relate to each other? They were walking the same damn street, and the same damn time on the same day... but life goes on and they fade into the crowd. Seven BILLION of us on this planet, and we don't even try to get to know our own neighbors better. In the mornings I often see the same cars on the road, probably people who work the same 8 to 5 schedule I do. I can't help but wonder what their lives are like.
It may be bold or even silly of me to say it, but I am terrified of being just a face in the crowd. I don't want my death to be meaningless. That doesn't mean I want fame or popularity, but I have no idea what I want. I have no idea what will make me happy in the long run. I have no idea how to make sure that when I arrive on the threshold of my death, I don't want to feel vacant or alone.
I, myself, Diana... am on the pursuit of happiness, and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it, yeah. I'll be good.
Its a rarity to see my smile so big, and so sincere.
What a beautiful weekend spent with my traveler. I've missed him.. Sitting in the airport is almost like a dream. Like the weekend came and passed so quickly it was nothing but a fantasy. I am so immensely grateful. The people who consist of his home are wonderful, I enjoyed meeting them all and even more I enjoyed watching his interactions with them. I'm crazy about him. I wish we could be together. My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to <3
Its been like a snow day finding this poem. A hammer hitting the nail absolutely perfectly on the head. Piercing. I can't help but feel like "a mixed drink of one part left alone and two parts tragedy." Yes, this is on repeat. Over and over again. How did he extract my emotions and arrange them into words? Thank you, Shane. Thank you.
I'm living my life as if curled in fetal position. Immensely defensive, and so sad. Life is just passing me by as I float. Like my presence is hardly noted. The decisions I make I make because of the sheer fact that I am still inhaling and exhaling. I know what I want in my life, and I'm working towards it, numbly. I wake up to my alarms, I get presentable for work, and I smile I laugh I joke and I do my best to participate. I'm not really invisible, I'm not really lost. All these faces, swarming past me... watch me fall apart. Why can't I just be healthy?
Sometimes I just need to start fresh. Like a factory reset to my lifestyle. Over the weekend I woke up early and emptied all of my drawers and re-organized them. I cleaned my room, then rearranged it. I got a wooden framed chicken-wire board and removed every last staple and nail (the lady who made it did a VERY bad job, it was really just a safety hazard). Then I painted it, and nailed it together. Now I just have to hang it and stick all my jewelry/accessories on it. 
